12/25/2024
Merry Christmas and happy holidays to all who celebrate!
This year's christmas went really well. I slept sort of funky but I always sleep funny the day before Christmas. I got a lot of stuff and I really loved it all! This was also my first year buying gifts for other people since I now have a job.
There is too much to write about here, but I wanted to write about the highlights from my gifts.
I got some of my dream merch, the Play Arts Kai Sora and Riku figures! I'll give more in depth reviews of them when I redo my KH shrine, but these guys are so much better in person!! I love how detailed and poseable they are. The boxes they came in are super cool too, I'm gonna keep them.
Another highlight is this Maleficent figure I got! I wasn't even aware this figure existed but she's HUGE! And the box she came in is the hugest collection box that I own. I'll also review her more in depth once I redo my shrine, but I'm so happy to have gotten this. It was such a cool surprise!
The final highlight is getting the second edition of Amygdala! I now own both versions of my top favorite book ever. The first edition isn't going to be printed anymore (the right one, new one is the left) so the first edition is probably going to become quite rare. I really love the new edition's cover design a lot. I love the addition of the new pages and illustrations as well. Can't wait to give the new one a read!
I also got Boston a new bed, and he aboslutely adores it. He passed out in it immediately and then proceeded to do happy zoomies all around the house. He's been needing a new one since his old one was really broken and dirty. This one is like 100x softer and hopefully more durable.
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖12/16/2024
Throughout my time being on different social medias and platforms, I was never able to hit what I would consider "popular". I think I've been on different platforms for over a decade now. I never once got a taste of what true popularity is. The closest I ever got was when I was on Instagram, and had a following of over 300 and would sometimes get 100 or more likes on my art. And I'm glad I never got popular. Because even just the little bit I got on Instagram was too much for me to handle.
I tried everything, I tried to get more attention on my work, and nothing ever really worked out. I never hit the big 1,000 or higher. And I would see other people do it and I questioned, how? What was I doing wrong? I'd see people with brand-spanking new accounts make one post and hit it big with everyone. And my brain could never grasp that, how that was possible. Despite how hard I worked and how many hours I put into my work. It made me grow jealous of a lot of people.
As I've grown older though, I've come to see this as a blessing. The universe knew what was best for me, and I just couldn't see it till now. I was never meant for the spotlight, and as I mentioned earlier, when I did even get just a little bit it really messed with my mental health. I could never imagine the nightmare that 1,000 or even 10,000 followers would bring. Too many eyes on you, too many people expecting things of you, too many wanting to talk to you. I thrive in being alone and being unknown. I've come to realize I just want a simple life, just being a simple guy.
Even when I tried to make a comeback on Tumblr posting my art this year, I wasn't happy. I was taking better care of myself and not letting numbers and what not get to my head. I wasn't getting jealous either of anyone. It just didn't make me happy, the attention and what not I was getting. This was probably the most success I've ever had when it came to getting eyes on my work. And for what? What was it doing for me? It provided me nothing but sadness. It's not the fact that people like my work, or like me, I'm very thankful for that actually. But, I just don't like the popularity.
It's why I like being on Neocities a lot, it hasn't scared me yet. I have followers and page views, and I am thankful for them both. But, it doesn't feel big, I still feel very obscure. And who knows how I'll feel once I get higher numbers of those two. But, I think there still will be this level of obscurity with it. And I hope it stays that way. I want my prescence online to be like stumbling upon a castle in the middle of a large forest. You may find it again or you may not, there's no clear path or directions to my castle. And, like any old relic, it should be mostly left alone. If too many people tried to enter the castle it might crumble.
I may never understand why I could never hit it big. Whether its because my work is too niche, whether its how I present myself, or some other factor... I am thankful. It angered young me so much, but it brings me peace now. I used to have people tell me, "Why are you not more popular?". Because, my dear, if I was popular I would of never been able to escape the hell I was in during my Instagram days. I would of felt obligated to contuining pleasing the crowd, and riding the high the numbers gave me. If I was popular, I would of lost every bit of myself, because I already was losing myself then.
I want to create many things. Art, this website, possibly comics, possibly music, and maybe in the far future, video games. But, I want to remain pretty much unknown. I don't really want fans, or fame, or money. I want to create for me, I want to create to make ME happy. Because that's what I neglected so much in the past when posting art to various platforms. I wasn't happy, I wasn't making things that made me happy. I was overworking myself to reach some impossible goal. A goal never meant for me. I want to be unapologetically myself, both in my work and outside it. And that may be niche as all hell and won't appeal to most people. And maybe that's the best kind of work a person can ever create.
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖12/14/2024
This is the first time, in a very long time, that I've completed an entire game's Pokédex. I think the last time I did this was in Pokémon Moon? I did all three: the Paldea Pokédex, the Kitakami Pokédex, and the Blueberry Pokédex. I'm almost glad this game doesn't have a National Pokédex, because I probably wouldn't be able to do that one. But the completionist in me would of wanted to so bad.
What sucks is that I can't get the shiny Meloetta from Pokémon Home. Even though I completed all 3 Dexes, apparently if the Pokémon comes from outside of Pokémon Scarlet/Violet it won't count in Pokémon Home. Which is kind of a bummer but I wasn't trying to complete the Dexes for the Meloetta anyway.
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖12/10/2024
My mental health has been slowly getting better again. Now with the rush of Black Friday out the way, things have been a lot calmer. This was my first time ever experiencing (and working) on Black Friday. Overall, it wasn't that bad. I had a lot of fun that day, and it wasn't as crazy as I imagined it to be.
This year has flown by incredibly fast, the fact its already December bewilders me. I still feel like its summer! Overall, I've had a pretty good year. I finally got a job, I've been really working on myself and my mental health, and I even brought my site back online this year too and have made great progress on it! I've also made great progress on being able to focus on video games and binge watching movies/shows again too.
On another note, I decided I don't want to post my art anymore on Tumblr. I've come to realize, I'm not a huge fan of the attention? I think its nice a lot of people loved my work but, its just not for me. I like Neocities a lot since its really quiet and not overwhelming. I can post my work and yeah people might see it but I don't have to worry about numbers or anything of the like. I like the idea of just using Tumblr to look at pictures of toys, nostalgia, games, nature, etc.
On another another note, I'm really glad Neocities isn't full of DNI lists like Tumblr is. I'll stumble upon one maybe once in a blue on here? but very rarely do I see them. I've had to limit my time on Tumblr for my own mental health because constantly stumbling upon these things on there is really exhausting.
Some stuff on them I can understand and don't mind like "LGBTphobes" and "racists", cuz that makes sense. But once you start getting into stuff like "DNI if you ship this", "DNI if you are a fan of that", it starts to get kind of ridiculous. Those are just two examples, but there's so many crazy things I've seen people put on their DNI lists. And they start to conflate things, such as ships and fandoms and what not, as being as bad as someone who is racist or homophobic. Not to mention, once the list starts to become the length of an essay and starts including really random things like "if you like the color blue"....
On another another another note, I finally got Switch Online! It wasn't that expensive for a whole year and has been really worth the money. My favorite features have to be all the old games you can play, as well as the Nintendo Music app. Also, getting new and customizable icons has been a big plus too. I also decided to invest into Pokemon Home's premium plan, which wasn't that expensive either. Got all my babies transferred from Pokemon Bank on the 3DS to on my switch/phone now.
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖11/25/2024
I'm probably going to end up writing a few entries regarding the Teraleak due to many aspects of it interesting me. Today I will start with the most fascinating thing to come out of the leaks, in my opinion.
The infamous Typhlosion story. When I first came upon this tale (albeit in its mistranslated form), I was so fascinated by it. If you would like to read the proper translation of this story you can here on TCRF. I'd highly suggest giving it a read, if you have the time.
It's sad to see how much of a bad reputation the Typhlosion story has gotten since its an interesting tale. Though, I think this is due to a number of factors. The original mistranslation (which was done with AI therefore wasn't translated correctly), people on social media wanting to throw things out of proportion for attention, and people's unfamiliarity with Japanese mythology (or just mythology from other cultures as well). I think it also shows a lack of familiarity with parts of the Pokémon lore, as this isn't anything new for the franchise.
As someone with a huge interest in learning about Japanese mythology, I could tell immediately it was inspired by it. It shares many similarities with the tales of the yokai Mujina, and (as TCRF claims) the Canadian mythology of Bear Mother. It's one of the reasons I grew such a love for Typhlosion's story, as its incorporating real life tales into their lore. It's also such a tragic tale when you really sit down and read it.
Another reason I grew to love it is because it touches on something in the Pokémon lore I've always wanted to know more about. I have always been fascinated about that one book in Canalave Library talking about how "There once were people who married Pokémon". And, given what we saw in this leak, it seems they were gonna expand upon the idea of human-Pokémon relationships more. It's something I wish Pokémon would incorporate more into their lore. It's shown up here and there briefly, but its always been left as this big plot hole.
The Typholosion story make me wonder so many things. When did that story take place? I thought Hisui would of explored this or what Canalave library was describing, but unfortunately it didn't. If the tale is to be taken literally, did Typhlosion look different before they became part human? I like to think the Typhlosion from the story was a Hisuian one. Given Hisuian Typhlosion is a ghost type, it'd fit closer to Mujina since yokai are ghosts. I wonder if the Typhlosion we have nowadays look the way they do since they're part human? It could explain why they lost the ghost, or yokai, side of them.
It also makes me wonder other things. Why did humans and Pokémon stop being together? And if they had continued staying together to this day, how would humans and Pokémon look? I like to think if it had continued they'd end up looking like the fusions we got in the RéBURST manga, which would of been awesome.
I do hope in the future we can get some kind of adaption of the Typhlosion story, or the other myths from the leaks into canon. Even if Legends Arceus didn't expand upon the lore of human-Pokémon relationships I do hope Legends Z-A or something else in the future does. It's such a mysterious part of Pokémon lore that I would love to learn more about.
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖11/15/2024
Life sure has been stressful as of late.
My mental health has really dipped, and its one of the reasons I've been taking a break away from Neocities. I put too much pressure on myself to continously work and create, which ends up driving me to burnout. And that's what happened here in a way.
I wanted to get out my Pokemon shrine as quick as I could, because I felt like I had some kind of obligation to? This happens a lot whenever I work on projects, its something I'm trying to fix about myself. I used to be a huge workaholic, and those habits are still with me somewhat.
It drives me to forget why I even start these projects in the first place. For fun, for my own enjoyment. Its not an obligation and it doesn't need to be done at any particular point (or even at all). I think I'd prefer to not announce if I'm working on something in the future. It makes me feel like I HAVE to finish it and soon if I do make an announcement. Things will come when they come, and I like just releasing them out of nowhere without any warning.
Another thing that was holding me back was feeling like I have to restrict myself in some way. Due to my mental health as of late, a lot of my doubts and self hatred began kicking in again. It led me to start hating what I had made/was planning to make for my Pokemon shrine. It was driving me to start hating other parts of my site too! Such negativity truly is a nasty plague on the mind.
I felt as if I couldn't fully express myself and my love for Pokemon in my shrine. I felt guilty in a way for being so passionate. It sounds silly writing it out but, that's what the darkness does to the mind. Makes one believe crazy things. Whenever I do get back to working on it, though, I plan on expressing myself fully. Its one of my big special interests, after all.
I might still be away from Neocities for a while, at least until I can get my mental health in a better spot. Whenever I'm doing good up in my head, my creativity tends to follow. While I've been away though I have been able to focus on stuff I wasn't able to before like finishing Pokemon Scarlet! I also watched the entirety of Danny Phantom and even got the new(ish) comic book for it.
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖10/19/2024
Compared to earlier this year, I barely touch social media anymore. Of course, I had already quit most this year, the only ones I was on being Tumblr. But as of now, I barely even use Tumblr. I'll log on once a day, browse for a few minutes, then leave. And sometimes I don't even check everyday.
It's just, not fun anymore. Maybe it was never fun? No that's a lie, it did used to entertain me a bit back in the day. Outside of all the drama and stress it'd cause me, of course. That always overshadowed what fun I was having on it.
I used to doom scroll a lot, and scroll in general for hours doing nothing. Looking at nothing, consuming nothing. It never benefited me, never contributed to anything useful. And yet, I was addicted to it before. Addicted to nothingness.
So, I feel I have improved a lot. I don't mind how I am now, its better for my health and mental health. Now I am actually doing things that benefit me and make me happy. And maybe thats why social media bores me now. I actually have things to do, I actually want to improve myself and do something with my life.
Why, I've improved my art, I've made an entire website (this one!), I've learned to break out of my shell and talk to people, I've gained more confidence in myself, I've gotten back into gaming and watching movies and shows, I've been improving myself as a person, and my mental health has improved drastically. Overall, I've just been a lot happier. All thanks to getting away from social media.
I'm glad I never joined TikTok. I feel if I did during my "social media addiction" it would of made me so much worse. I don't plan on ever joining it either. I'm not a fan of short form content to begin with. It sounds just as bad as Twitter, if not worse. And I don't need that in my life. I was on Twitter for a time, and it truly is a nightmare.
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖10/18/2024
Been a while since I've experienced burnout when working on this site. I've been pretty much updating and making changes nonstop for I think a few months now? Ever since I decided to come back to Neocities after quitting.
I'm shocked my motivation was this high for it for so long. But as all things do, it is time for that motivation to rest. Much like my art motivation earlier this year was really high for some months and now its died down.
I've done a lot, and I'm quite proud of the work I've been able to accomplish on this site these past few months. I've had a blast learning coding again and learning so many new tricks to make this place look as great as possible. There's so much more I want to do still! But that'll come when the time is right. Can't force myself to work after all, or it won't be fun anymore!
I see this as a positive, since this'll allow me to do other things I've been neglecting to do since I've been so hyperfocused on coding. Like getting back into gaming more! I have so many things I want to play. I just got back into playing Pokemon X, I bought Epic Mickey: Rebrushed recently, and so many other games.
I also wanna take this time to focus on watching stuff outside of Youtube now. I've always had Youtube playing in the background that trying to watch anything else has proven difficult. I bought Disney+ recently and I also have Paramount+ and I'd like to actually use them properly. There's a lot of great series I want to watch, just need to get my attention span with it!
I think this'll also allow me to focus more on self caring. Ever since Hurricane Helene it hasn't been the best. A lot of old bad habits have kicked in again full swing and its been very difficult to deal with.
I'll still be around and active. Stuff like writing journal entries, managing my webring, adding graphics, and other minor stuff doesn't affect me. They've already been set up so all I have to do is add to them when I want! But for now, big updates are gonna go on the back burner for a while. Who knows how long? My motivation can be quite funky at times. Sometimes it'll only be a day, sometimes a week, a month, or longer.
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖10/12/2024
Maybe I ought to do journaling more? I wouldn't mind doing it as a regular thing, it could be fun!
Anyway, life has been getting back to normal after Hurricane Helene. Almost everywhere has opened up again and food and gas are back in stock in (almost) normal amounts. It seems power has been restored to homes again, at least I think everywhere? I hope so anyway, weeks without power surely isn't good for anyone.
I've been slowly getting my own mental state back to normal too. Some of my old habits have been kicking in again because of the stress of that whole situation. Its made meditation a bit harder too. It's been a process but we're getting back to normality.
Outside of gaming (which I've been playing a lot of Epic Mickey: Rebrushed, great game!) I've gotten to work on making my Xenogender collection page. Its something I wanted to do even back during the earlier years of my site. I've been learning to fully embrace my xenic side, so that page should be coming out soon.
I used to be afraid of treating it as a serious thing, but not anymore. My neurodivergency (as well as the fact I'm alterhuman) makes it very difficult for me to understand and relate to the human gender binary. What is a man? What is a woman? I don't really understand the difference between the two. I am neither, I cannot relate to these concepts. But when I discovered xenogenders, it felt like I finally understood what I was. Genders based on nature, animals, concepts, music, even fictional characters, THAT'S what I was feeling. My identity is influenced by these things, so why should I deny myself that?
On another topic, I cannot wait till I make my FNAF shrine. I'm most excited to do the 'Fangames' portion of that shrine since I wanna yap about my love for FNAF's vast library of fangames. Admitedly, I watch them more than I play them, since I'm a huge scaredy cat. Even with the mainline games I get so scared while playing them, even Security Breach! I'm a lover of horror, but weak when it comes to actually playing horror games. I wanna get better with this fear though, since FNAF and its fangames are a huge special interest of mine. I wanna review and document every fangame I play/watch and talk about them, even the more obscure ones.
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖10/5/2024
I was involved in a lot of spaces during my time on social media. Spaces a lot would call "Anti" or "Antishipper" or whatever clever words they go by. Basically the people who feel it is right to dictate and control the fandoms, the ships, the beliefs, etc. of people. I touched on it a bit in 9/26/2024, with my analogy of the "wild west", or the freedom, of the internet fading. I wanted to touch on it more here. I got inspired to write this by a blog post someone made here on Neocities touching on this whole topic.
I used to be among this group of people. I wanted friends and wanted to fit in somewhere so I went along with them. I had a very troubled childhood and abusive household so I needed a form of escapism through the internet. And, I didn't realize it at the time but, they brainwashed me.
I was young when I first got caught up in all this. I didn't really understand what they meant, I hardly knew what a "proshipper" or "antishipper" even was. But all of my friends, whom I had met through these "Anti" communities, kept preaching that everyone who had different beliefs than them was evil.
And, my young self, looking up to these older people, I listened. Because I assumed they knew more than me, that they were smarter than me, that they were guiding me down the right path. But in return, I had to give up my whole identity. All the fandoms I was into, all the ships that were close to my heart, my fictional crushes, my beliefs, all of it was what the "bad" people were into. And I couldn't be like them. No, the Antis told me that the "bad" people had corrupted my brain with these things.
So, for the next 4 or so years, I lost my identity. I couldn't choose who I wanted to be, I forgot who I was. And because of this, my already existing mental illnesses skyrocketed. I ended up developing so many anxieties and paranoias. I was at war with myself, fighting what my body knew I was versus what the Antis wanted me to be. I had to please them, but one of the greatest things I have learned from this experience is this: Antis can never be pleased.
The deeper you go down their rabbit hole, the more insane it gets. What starts off as a simple "this fandom makes me uncomfortable, I'd prefer not to interact" devolves into "This ship is incest because they seem like brothers to me, even though they aren't actually brothers ITS STILL INCEST!". And it just continues to devolve into more and more nonsense and delusion. Whatever displeased them, they'd make an excuse as to why its wrong and irredeemable and how no one must enjoy this thing. And they feed off each others delusions and nonsensical preachings.
But what makes all of this so bad, is what it ends up leading to. They don't just stop at having these beliefs, they have a goal. And that goal is take down and ruin the lives of any they deem as "evil". I witnessed firsthand so many innocent people's lives be tarnished by Antis. People have lost their jobs, had their location doxxed, been harassed and sent death threats, and so much more. All over fiction. All over delusional beliefs. All over stuff that they could of easily just blocked or ignored.
And I was pressured into doing that too, and its a time of my life I deeply regret. I lost some of my closest friends because the Antis forced me to get away from "evil". And once I lost those friends I only fell further into the Anti community. They saw my anguish, my depression, and they took advantage of that. They told me, "Never become like your old friends, you must stay close to us. We will protect you.". And so, I followed. Because they instilled a great fear in me. If I fell out of line I'd get a callout post with my name on it, and I knew the danger that would come after that.
Their never ending journey of deeming this and that as bad led me to develop so many anxieties and paranoias. I didn't know what next would be deemed as "evil". What was safe for me to like? To ship? To believe in? What next would be deemed such a way and would have me exiled from "safety"? Even the most normal of things I saw be subjected to having the label "evil".
Its only as of this year that I escaped. Something in my head finally turned on after all these years. Something that I had forgot was even there. And it happened once the last of my Anti friends was leaving. I felt as if my head finally broke the surface of the water, that I could breathe and think for myself. And so, before they left, I finally let all that had been bottling up out. All my true desires, my fandoms, my ships, my beliefs, etc. and they left me behind. And it was the first time I had felt alive in 4 years.
Here I am now, I've been away from Anti communities for almost over half a year now. I've been learning to embrace and love myself again. I grew so much self hatred during that time. I'm embracing all of my old "problematic", as the Antis put it, fandoms and ships and what not. And its the happiest I've ever been. I've been able to conquer my paranoias and anxieties in ways I never was able to. I've gained so much more confidence in myself, and I've been able to talk to people more. The effects aren't fully gone though, I still have a long way to go in healing.
And it probably sounds silly to those who maybe have never experienced the Anti community or as deeply as I did. But, it really does affect your life in so so many ways. Its not just the fandoms and the shipping, its so much deeper than that. Their preachings really do extend to the real world and how they view the world. They can't differentiate fiction from reality. They can't differentiate nonsense from logic.
They will claim someone is a criminal and has committed illegal acts, all over harmless fiction. Accusations which can ruin a person's life. And they're all convinced its true. They're all convinced liking a piece of media with "problematic" material means you support and engage in such things in real life. That apparently a 20 year old character dating a 40 year old is pedophilia. That liking Disney films means you're racist and support racist ideologies. That enjoying a piece of media made by someone who maybe isn't the best person means you are just like that person and support everything they did. I could list so many examples here of the many things I've heard them preach. And it made me convinced that if I ever did engage with the things they deemed as "bad" that I would be a criminal.
Not even a decade ago the internet wasn't like this. Don't get me wrong, drama still happened back then. You still had people fighting over ships, over fandoms, and in some cases you had people send death threats or harass you over it. But it was never to the extent it is now, and how normalized it is too. I saw, and still see, so many people just not bat an eye to a proshipper getting doxxed or harassed or worse. They just laugh and mock them.
They want to erase everything they deem as "problematic". Its exterme sanitization and censorship. Something that, now with a clear mind, I can whole heartedly say I cannot support. Its done more bad than good from what I've seen and experienced. So many young impressionable people are, well, groomed into it. Being led by adults who are filling their heads with nonsense. That's how I was groomed into it, they made it seem like such a safe space.
Not every Anti is like this, some are far more tame than others. But they still share these extreme beliefs to some extent. I, myself, experienced the most "radical" side of it. I was led in and told they would heal me, fix my mind, and save me from the evil people of this world. And I came out destroyed, with a broken mind, and realizing who the real evil people are.
Good did come out of all of this. Not only what I mentioned earlier, but also I no longer judge others. I don't care what fandoms someone is in, what they ship, what they believe, what they do, etc. We're all people, with unique lives and unique experiences. And we all deserve to be treated like people, because none of these things make us any lower. There's no time in my life to hate and to stew over things that make me uncomfortable.
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖10/3/2024
My artwork has definetely changed a lot in this year alone. Much like how I've made a big change with myself, maybe they're connected. I've really started putting my heart into these more recent drawings. They have much more deeper meanings than my artwork did from earlier this year.
I've found its a great way to express and let out my emotions. It's hard for me to identify my feelings through words, but with art I can say so much with each stroke and splash of color. I don't really want to say what each piece represents though. One, since again its hard for me to put into words, but also because I want my work to be up to viewer interpretation.
I think the best works out there are those without a definitive meaning. Ones that let the viewer form their own thoughts and come to their own conclusions through their unique experiences. Each person who looks at the same piece will see different things and I think thats beautiful. I want my work to evoke many different emotions and conclusions for people.
I'm not sure how long I'll continue to do art like this, but its made me very happy. Its helped me get out of my comfort zone and draw/practice on things I never did before. I've had many moments where I've doubted my abilities at art and looked upon it with hatred. Those still happen, but as of late they've been much lesser. I've been learning to love my own works, even my older ones.
Maybe one day I'll display all of my old artwork again. Its something I still look upon with embarrasment, though I'm unsure why. I was happy making it at the time and I used to love it. And one day I'll learn to love it again.
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖9/30/2024
This has certainly been an interesting past couple of days. And the rest of this week and after probably will be too. The recent Hurricane Helene passed through our state, causing over a million outages. Pretty much everyone in our state was and still is without power.
Its been a very scary experience. Grocery stores have a very limited supply of food, gas stations are without gas in a lot of places. And the few restaurants that are open are packed to the brim and you have to wait 2 hours or more just for food. We're lucky our power finally came back on.
Admitedly, we were very under prepared. Normally, whenever the news says we'll get horrible weather its never really been THIS bad. Next time, we'll take warnings like this more seriously, even if something like this won't happen again for a very long time.
Its taken quite a toll on my mental health, but I'm doing what I can to keep myself happy. We've had to eat a lot less to convserve food so its left me quite weak. It's gonna take a while for everywhere else to get their power back. Its also gonna take extra longer for stores and what not to replenish their food.
I can't wait for all of this to be over, its shaken up my life a lot.
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖9/26/2024
The internet truly has changed quite a lot. The "wild west" is beginning to wane, and the cowboys less land to ride. For the sanitization has made it their land. Having your own opinions and beliefs gets your face put on every "Wanted" poster. And the sanitized want that reward, no matter the cost.
Forgive the analogy, but it really does feel like this once free and vast land has been taken over. I remember a time when it wasn't a big deal if you were into this piece of media or that. When people were allowed to ship what they wanted. You could believe what you wanted. Say what you felt. Do as you pleased. And so on and so forth.
Of course there were rowdy folk back then who would push back against you. But not to the extent they've become. And certainly not as extreme as they're willing to get. What was once a tussle on the playground has now become being held at gunpoint. I mean that as a metaphor, but with some cases it really does become quite dire like that.
They create problems out of nothing. These people on social media, they concoct these clever books out of their own brains and deem it as the law. You follow their way or you have a warrant out for your arrest. There is no questioning their way, no matter if its logical or not. The web to them is a place to enact sensitivity and sanitization.
And for quite a long time, I was brainwashed into that. I wanted to fit in, so I became the thing they molded me into. And it changed me, so much so I forgot who I was for a couple of years. I had to only like these pieces of media, only like those ships, only believe this, only preach that. I had to deny so many parts of myself, hide them far away. I lost many close people because of this, because they went against the ways of the "law".
Its only now I realize how much hogwash it all was. I realize now so much of my paranoia, my anxiety, my inability to live a functioning life, was being with these people. I was questioning everything in my life, "Is this acceptable? Is this allowed? Will I be outcasted for this?". They turn on each other so quickly the moment they find imperfections. And that was what I was so worried about, if I was next.
It's silly to think back on now, but I truly did feel that way at one point. There is much to heal from, and many more things to unlearn. I've even learned quite a bit from my experience with these people. And that's learning who I am again, and how to love myself and others. The world isn't full of monsters as these people made me think. And it's really made the world more beautiful in my eyes.
There are lesser and lesser wild horses out there running free. Many, domesticated to the cruel ways of their capturers. Others, born into such a life, and never having seen what the wilds are. Many cowboys have been apprehended for their free lifestyle. Forced to conform to normality, but not their normality.
For the wilds may dissipate over time, but the truest of heart will not. A cowboy and his land cannot be separated an eternity. Held at gunpoint, I'll stare them in the eyes and say to the very end,
"Don't fence me in. Not again."
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖9/22/2024
The other day I happened to get an ad on Youtube that was made entirely out of AI. And it really made me sit down and think for a while. The issues of AI are not new, they've been around for a year or two I believe. But I've never really gotten an ad made by them before. It was an ad from a company too advertising their app.
It looked like someone filming themselves with a phone, but the person was clearly AI generated. The eyes were strange, the movements were odd, and the voice was off. Why could they of not just recorded themselves doing this? Was it neccessary to make it AI? It didn't loook good either, the eyes couldn't even blink correctly. It amazes me anyone at this company thought this was a quality ad to advertise their app.
One can only hope that in the future this won't be the norm. I'd hate to see our world be filled with nothing but AI creations. It's already started in some areas.
I do think AI has its benefits and if utilized right it could be a great tool to assist us. But the way people have gone about using it is awful. I don't appreciate how it's led people to become lazy and unprofessional with their work. True artistery comes from the amount of love and hard work one puts into their creations.
I don't mind when AI is used for silly purposes like memes, because those are meant to be bad and not taken seriously. But when it starts taking people's jobs and being used as if its "professional" like with that Youtube ad, it does have me worried.
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖8/11/2024
Life has been very busy for me lately. So many big changes have occured! I got my first job ever recently and it's been going really swell. I love my coworkers, the work I do, and talking to all the customers. I'm not even a very social person myself but it's really been helping me break out of my shell (but my goodness does it leave me exhausted after the day is done XO).
It feels great making my own money finally too. One step closer to my dream of getting away from my parents.
I finally found something that helps with my mental health and anxiety too (which thank goodness I did because if not I'd be such a wreck!). Its been meditation. Something I never thought I'd ever get into, but it just happened one day and it's brought so much peace to my rambunctious mind. I know in the future I'm definetely gonna need to look into getting therapy and/or anxiety meds but for now this will do.
I'm gonna get Supporter soon for Neocities, something I've been wanting for quite a while. I really like this place and I wanna stay on it, so I wanna give some support back to it! And I also wanna get the cool features like more space/file types/etc. because I have plans for future projects that'll benefit from that.
I wanna make an entire archive of the Blueycapsules comic! I remember somewhere a long time ago the team saying they wanted to make a website to host their comic on. While that of course will never happen now officially with the comic being cancelled, I wanna make my own! It'd be not only the comic itself but also the extra stuff too! I might make it its own website since Supporter would let me have multiple websites, but we'll see!
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖6/29/2024
Went to the second Chuck E. Cheese closest to me today and got the mini Jasper and the Gumball Jasper :D I picked up the big one at the first CEC closer to me on previous visits! Haven't been to this one in a long long time and it changed quite a lot. They brought in more new games than they had last time. They still had some of my favorites though like "Whack'em Funky Gators" and "Big Bass Wheel Pro". They also had a trampoline zone, which I know certain 2.0 remodels are getting. They did however remove the dancefloor, it was one of the ones that was interactable whenever you stepped on it. This location actually still has quite a few machines with Avenger Chuck graphics on them, which is really cool :D speaking of, they actually kept their old sign!!
You don't see this one too often, I believe it's a early phase 4 design, since it is Avenger Chuck but he's doing the pose of the old Cool Chuck logo!