୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖11/14/2025
It's so close to the 4th anniversary of us being on Neocities and having our own website in general. Time sure does fly, huh? It really doesn't feel like we've been practicing coding for that long.
When we were younger we enjoyed a lot of stuff that nowadays gets deemed as "problematic". Media that contains sensitive or disturbing content, ships that involve abuse/incest/pedophilia, loli and shota characters, we could go on. We never really felt that anything was wrong with these things at the time. It was all fiction, after all. Just like how people enjoy fictional murderers, as long as you don't condone doing these things in the real world then it's fine. But, it was around the year of 2020 that we began to really notice change. A major shift in attitude towards such content. Everyone we were surrounded by had gained this attitude, and for the first time we felt like we were doing something horribly wrong.
We tried to maintain our ideals but it began to drive more and more people away. Given we frequented social medias at the time, we began to see what enjoying this kind of media would lead you to. Over the years us Critters witnessed many artists, writers, creators and what not get cancelled. Their very reputations that they spent so long building up now crumbling before their very eyes by a simple call-out post. For others, I saw their very livelihoods attacked, their information doxxed to the public, and from there their careers damaged. It set a great fear within us. "Don't be like that person or they'll come after you.".
So, for about 4 years we tried to fit in with what we began to learn were called "antis" or "antishippers". They would preach that what they were doing was correct and that they were trying to save people, especially children. I didn't realize it then but I realize now it's a form of brainwashing. Children and young teens join the web, they join social media, and they want friends, they want to find a community. When you're that young you're very impressionable, and you'll do whatever it takes to fit in. They take advantage of that, and we saw many cases of this in our time in anti circles. Now, when I was roped into all that mess I wasn't quite as young. However, we wanted to find a community to be in. Given our autism, we had difficulties fitting into places, understanding others, and making friends. This left us quite vulnerable, and they too took advantage of that.
As we mentioned before, us Critters were on social media at the time. Putting out art into the world and trying to make friends from that. Well, we ended up making friends with all antis at the time, and the other people we were surrounded by were connected to said antis. They made us feel safe, feel accepted, like we finally had lots of friends and a place we could call home. But there was a trend we began to notice amongst these people. The beliefs they preached, what you could and couldn't enjoy, what was right and wrong. They all would say these things to each other, many of which I didn't agree with. We were fans of many of the things they deemed as "wrong", yet we wanted to stay with these people. We finally had friends, had a place in the world. So, out of pressure, we changed ourselves. Hid away all the parts of us that were deemed bad and tried to convince ourselves that what these people spoke of was the truth.
So, we did that for nearly 4 years. There was quite a number of instances where these antis would tell us that engaging in such media, such ships, and what not had traumatized us. We remember feeling a great anxiety over this, but that anxiety never went away. Throughout those 4 years it was near constant, all day everyday. See, what a lot of people don't realize is the whole proship and antiship movement is about more than just shipping fictional characters. It ties into a much greater issue, and that's censorship. If you look into either side you'll notice they bring up more than just shipping. You might see terms such as "pro-fiction" or "anti-censorship" or "pro free speech" in discussions about either. It seems that the terms "proship" and "antiship" are widely used mainly for their popularity, but they really indicate one's own beliefs in whether censorship is okay or not.
Now, we bring all that up because that began to affect our daily life. We began to question a lot of what we were doing and whether or not it'd be "right and acceptable". Are we allowed to say "this"? Of course not, because people were getting cancelled for saying the most mundane of things. Are we allowed to like "that"? Oh, definetely not, there was a scene that upset all the antis so that show is deemed unacceptable and we should not support it. The antis we were with claimed this anxiety we were feeling was from all the trauma we got from before. We couldn't understand why this anxiety wouldn't go away, wouldn't stop growing despite being around "safe" people. Of course, us Critters know now that we have a clear mind, that it was because of the antis.
We would not recommend this to anyone, as from our own experiences this has deeply messed with our mental health. But, if you spend long enough with antis and go in deep enough, their beliefs get quite twisted. It will go from, "These two characters are siblings, therefore shipping them means you endorse real incest" to "Well, these characters feel like siblings to me so if you ship them you support real incest". There was a lot of mundane things like that, where people made their own discomforts everyone else's problem. Much to our stupidity, we went along with it all and praised that it was right and anyone that disagreed was a filthy incest supporter or whatever else the antis were in the mood for calling people.
We did have friends before we got roped into anti circles. Of course, we lost those friends after spouting the nonsense they preach. All of which was by my own hand, we cut them all out because they were "bad" and we can't be associated with the "bad" people or we'll be cancelled! It's a decision we deeply regret to this day. By the year of 2024, that was when the light began to come back on in our head, metaphorically speaking. We don't really know what caused it turn back on, but whatever did it we are very thankful for. Those 4 years finally caught up to us and we spent a very long time just thinking it all over. We had already quit social media at the time, as it was becoming far too much for us to handle. It had cut me off from the larger anti circle I was in, as well as some of my friends. Perhaps that had contributed to the hypothetical light turning on in our head again as we weren't as surrounded by their preaching and cancelling and what have you anymore. We began reverting back to our "problematic" ways and that shoo'd away the last of my anti friends.
Ever since then, we've been trying to reverse the affects that being an anti had on us. Learning to love and engage in "problematic" media again that meant so much to us, such as the Boyfriend to Death series, DRAMAtical Murder, and Killing Stalking. We fell back in love with all our old ships like Minao, Akuroku, and even began enjoying some ones we weren't allowed to before like Shroudcest, Sebaciel, and Coffincest. Us Critters allowed ourselves to engage in a lot of fetishes we were never allowed to before either, that was another thing antis were very vehemently against. Porn in general is a topic they've also begun to cast great shame upon as time goes on. More recently we've even begun to embrace our love for lolisho content. It's been a long and slow process. There is still that great fear that's instilled within us, a fear that almost feels like instinct with how hard it was hammered into us. But, the more we embrace this side of ourselves we had to deny for so long, the more that fear is quelled and the more self love takes its place.
From my previous experiences before becoming an anti and these past 2 years taking on the label of "proshipper", we've learned a lot. As we mentioned before, there's a lot more to this movement than simply fighting over fictional pairings. As much as that experience has traumatized us, it really opened our eyes to a much greater issue. Censorship is nothing new, there's many cases throughout history of it occuring. But, it still continues to this day and it's been getting worse, and worse. There's so many examples we could bring up, Tumblr banning porn in 2018, in more recent times payment processors enacting censorship on certain kinds of explicit content (which in turn is making platforms do the same thing), the list could go on. It's spreading rapidly, and the more people continue having an attitude of "this makes me uncomfortable, let's ban it" the louder that becomes and the more the higher ups will listen. Considering many of these said higher ups are white, male, christians, which are all infamously known for advocating for censorship, they won't just stop at porn and "weird" fetishes. If they gain enough power, they'll go after anything that doesn't fit their agenda, including queer fiction and the belief that queer people have a space in this world.
It's also made us more open minded and accepting of others. We're all strange and weird in our own ways, but we're all people. People with lives, with people who love and care about them, and we deserve to treat each other with respect and kindness. We once find it okay to shame, to make fun of, and to diminish the importance of anyone who was "bad". There were many things we did during our time as an anti we deeply regret. We participated in the many practices they engage in, call out posts, harrassment and sending death threats. And the antis would shower me in praise every single time. Our only wish is those we affected are doing alright. An apology will never fix what we did, but we still must apologize anyway.
We find it quite funny how many antis use Archive of Our Own, without knowing who the creators are and the history as to why such a site was made. There's a reason they allow "problematic" fanfiction. Something else that kind of amuses us, but also saddens us, is seeing when someone clearly doesn't understand what "proship" is or doesn't want to be an anti. There's a trend we've seen around of people engaging in media or ships or what have you that, by anti standards would be classified as "bad", yet will then say "Do not interact Proshippers". It's worrying, to say the least. We remember from our time being with antis that they spread around that word as meaning "supporting [insert something bad] in real life". Whenever we see this, it reminds us of ourselves not even 2 years ago. Makes you wonder, are they doing it to fit in too?
Outside of writing journal entries like this about the topic, it's not really a word we use often. The amount of drama and negativity surrounding that word is far too much. It was a better time, not even a decade ago, when words like "proship" and "antiship" weren't really a thing. The only word there was was "anti-anti", the precursor to proship, which never had the same mainstream use as these two words have. Despite our annoyance with the word, in this day and age its what we've decided to call ourselves to let others know what we believe and if they feel lost like we once were, they're safe with us.
So, what does it mean to be "proship"? Perhaps each person would give a different answer, based on their own experiences. We'll say what we know and feel. It means to believe in what you want and enjoy what you want. It means to let others believe in what they want and enjoy what they want. We may not agree on things, but we should never advocate for censoring each other. If it bothers us, we simply walk past and move on with our lives.
Fiction is one of the greatest things mankind has ever made. It gives us the power to explore and experience things we never could, things we never want to experience. To have people say what we can and can't portray in fiction, its a dangerous power to have. It's all based on opinion, and everyone will not collectively agree on it. Fiction can have the power to influence the wrong people. But if we were to ban the video game Doom because it influenced the Columbine shootings yet millions of others played it and turned out fine, it just doesn't seem fair to us. Another example, Sebaciel was one of the most popular slash pairings in the 2000s and early 2010s, and the majority of those people never turned into pedophiles. In the case of Andrew Blaze, her murders were influenced by the character Ember McLain from Danny Phantom. A character, and show, that were harmless in nature unlike the violent Doom and controversial nature of the ship Sebaciel, yet should we ban that? Should we believe anyone who engages in Doom or Danny Phantom is just like those murderers? Of course not.
A huge concern of antis was fiction turning people bad, especially children. As a young child, what you take in greatly affects your development. Yet, we think if a child grows up in a good environment and is taught certain things are bad they will grow up fine. We were exposed to a lot of content such as murder and the like in media we consumed, but we were taught such things were bad. The media never convinced us otherwise. Even being exposed to "problematic" ships at a young age, we already knew such things were not acceptable in real life and that it was all fiction. Us Critters believe it moreso affects those that are already twisted, already set down a dark path. Those that shouldn't be allowed to be exposed to such media in the first place, as it affects something they've already had inside them.
The whole "proship" vs "anti" thing going on very much reminds us of the satanic panic from the 80s and 90s as well as the "Video Games Cause Violence" debate that's been happening ever since video games were first created. People making issues and causing panic out of nothing, which leads to certain content getting unjustly banned or close to it. All this misinformation gets spread, so much so that the wider public catches wind and continues to spread it like wildfire. Of course, the terms "proship" and "anti" are not on the same level of notoriety as the previously mentioned topics, but they are well known in fandom spaces. Still, censorship in general is a widely known topic that is debated upon frequently on the mainstream with misinformation also spreading like wildfire.
Obviously, we don't believe full uncensorship of everything is a good idea. If that went into affect genuine harmful content would run rampant everywhere. Us and others seem to agree upon that CSEM should stay banned. We believe content that deliberately spreads real hate or bullying towards marginalized individuals or groups should be censored. Not jokes, and not things portrayed in a fictional world, but if someone is creating content that deliberately is going "Gay people are bad, here is why we should kill them." and advocating for that to be done. That may make our fierce stance on anti-censorship sound a bit hypocritical, but if it brings genuine harm to a person or people we believe it shouldn't be allowed.
We certainly wrote a lot here, huh? Us Critters wanted to wrap all this up by saying we grew up in a time we refer to as "old fandom", and thus have their mindset on things. Change can be a good thing, but with the way things are heading we don't believe this change to fandom attitude is a good one. Bullying has always been around, there's always been ship wars, there's always been fights over whose into what, this fetish is cringe (we remmeber when this word became a big thing to say as an insult!) and so on. There were extreme cases back then that involved individuals getting doxxed, sent death threats, and being harrassed. We do not deny that those happened, back then was not some perfect paradise. But, it was never to the level and extent it is now. Now, its almost normalized. We remember how fandom wars were like back then, we lived through many of them. They were nothing like they are now. We Critters hope things will get better in the future. Not only for fandom spaces but for media creators in general. There is so much beautiful work out there being woven by some of the mos talented artists and writers. Many of which are queer and are able to express themselves through such mediums. Stay weird and stay freaky during these difficult times, that's all we can do to combat this nonsense.
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖11/11/2025
It's so close to the 4th anniversary of us being on Neocities and having our own website in general. Time sure does fly, huh? It really doesn't feel like we've been practicing coding for that long.
Our site has gone through many changes over the years. For a good three it was known as "Traverse Town" and was themed after Kingdom Hearts. Today, we close the book on that chapter of our site and open up a new book by the title of the "Critter Show Circus". We've been wanting to make major changes to our site for a while now. Figured we might as well now as a sort of celebration to our 4th anniversary.
We wanted something more simple and more geared towards our broader range of interests rather than such a heavy focus on Kingdom Hearts. We also wanted a space that included both our tame and adult works, as they are both important aspects of us Critters. This project allowed us to challenge ourselves in terms of alternative coding methods and ways of design. In total, redevelopment of "Traverse Town" into the "Critter Show Circus" took around a month.
It was such a blast getting to work on something so new and refreshing. We are all very happy with our new little corner of the web. We're probably going to take a break from working on anything major for quite a while. The creative juices only go for but so long! It'll allow us to focus more on our other, smaller projects, and activites outside of coding.
Here's to the future of the "Critter Show Circus". May there be many more years to come.
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖8/20/2025
I could put in so many quotes about love I've heard over the years here, but I will include one of my favorites.
"Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible" - Dalai Lama
I think love is one of the most important things we can put into this world. To love and to be kind no matter what or who we're faced with. To open our hearts and minds to all sorts of people out there. I think it's one of the hardest choices we can ever make in our lives.
A lot of the negativity of the world got seeped into me when I was little, and it became second nature in a way. Most of my life has been spent drowning in anger, in hatred, in negativity. It's been a long and arduous journey of unlearning the comfort of the darkness and embracing the light. It's a journey I'm still on and will probably be on for the rest of my life.
The more I turn to love, the more I feel like my life has been improving. To see the good in everything and everyone, it makes my life just a bit more brighter each day. With people's focus on all the horrors of the world, we miss the creek trickling over the rocks right next to us. The way the sun reflects off the dew drops on the leaves of trees. The smell of a new book; the intricate notes of a song. There's so many wonderful little things we miss in life when our head is clouded by darkness, by hatred. I think that's what life is truly about, finding all the wonderful things to spread your love to.
Finding a hobby to love, sending kind messages to loved ones and strangers, giving gifts, loving and caring for yourself. I could go on with the many ways one can spread love. If someone were to ask me for life advice, that is what I'd tell them. Live life with love for everyone and everything.
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖8/19/2025
Gosh, I've done so much in Minecraft the past few days I don't think I can write about it all here without writing an entire essay XD So, I'll talk about the most interesting bits:
Sooo, I encountered my first Warden. Upon first stumbling upon all these strange blocks I didn't realize these were linked to such a beast XD I just thought I was in a very special section of this cave where all the blocks were pretty and glow-y! The fact destroying each one gave you EXP should of tipped me off something was, well... off. I kept going past these odd little tentacle-y things that made noise whenever I moved past them.
I paid no mind, destroyed them, and continued to explore this strange, squishy place. And then I came across the thing that summoned the damn Warden.
Needless to say, he wasn't too happy about me waking him up XD I died about 5 seconds after taking this photo. But hey, at least I found a bunch of gold and diamonds in the area! I set my spawn point to be in this area so no matter how many times he killed me I just kept spawning back in like, "HAHA! Bitch!". He wouldn't despawn so I ended up just having to excavate around him.... which led me to accidentally finding this.
So, for a bit of info, I found the above area by digging far down into the cave near the "Axolotl Grotto" that's near my house. THIS is what is underneath MY house. And past this?
An ancient city. Now, I wasn't really able to explore it properly since this place was INFESTED with wardens and when I died apparently my spawn point evaporated so I just got sent back to my house. I think I'm gonna leave exploring this place again for a later time. But man, this was such an amazing discovery! All this, right under and near my house!
Outside of that, I've just been doing a lot of other stuff in Minecraft. Exploring, finding new materials, crafting new things, finding new animals, expanding my house, and much much more. I might write more about those in detail in a future journal entry. Oh, but I will share one funny story. So, I found this temple in the Bamboo Forest I live in, right? I got some name tags out of it, so I decided to finally name one of my wolves. I named him "Faolan" after a character from Wolves of the Beyond. 3 seconds I put it on him he jumped into the water surrounding my house and drowned himself. This has literally never happened before in the time I've had my wolves and the water. I'm convinced he hated his name that badly.
For one more Minecraft related thing, I found out how to change my skin + find new skins! So I'm going with cosplaying as Silver for the time being :D
Alright, now for updates on my MLP Collection page.
Progress was great today and yesterday! I actually finished every Wave I have of each blind bag figure! The only thing I have to do now is finish adding in all the figures I got from sets (which is A LOT). I'm so happy to at least get the first big portion done, here's to hoping all the set figures won't take forever to do XD. Once I'm done with the sets then its onto putting in all the brushable figures I have. I have A LOT of those too but it'll be fun doing research into them since I haven't done as much as I have for the blind bags.
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖8/17/2025
The only thing I have to write today for this section is how much of a banger obscure video game music can be. I do plan on adding more to my VGM page (once I get the motivation to XD) since there is so many great tracks out there that go unnoticed. My current obsession has been "Yule Ball (Music 1)" from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire on the Nintendo DS. This was one of my favorite games as a kid! Fun fact, I actually played this game before I ever got into Harry Potter. I was so into it even though I wasn't versed on the characters or story XD This was always one of my favorite tracks from the game.
I can't remember if the Yule Ball music sounded like this in the actual movie? Regardless, Jeremy and Julian Soule did an amazing job on it (and the rest of this game's OST). This sounds like something that could also belong to some dungeon level or even a boss fight. It's got such an eerie vibe to it, I love it.
Time for a project update!
Not too much again since I've been taking a break from working on my MLP Collection page and I was focusing on other stuff. I did get Wave 13 did, which is another wave I really love. It's got all the glittery ponies + some of the Apple family. I literally knocked all of this out today since I didn't have too many from this wave XD
If my motivation wills, I'll knock out some of the next waves too! That's my goal for this week. Anyway, that's all for now!
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖8/16/2025
Today I got some more stuff to add to my collection of wares!
All the villain ones came from blind boxes. So happy I got Hades, the Queen of Hearts, and the Evil Queen! I'm not super crazy about Gaston but I'll keep the pin since it looks nice XD And then I picked out the Jasmine, Snow White, and Sleeping Beauty ones! I stuck the Hades one in with my Shroud itabag that I made in the previous entry.
And then I got this Tangled Loungefly bag! When I saw this I knew I HAD to get it, it's so dang pretty. I've been in such a huge Tangled mood (I blame the Radiant Reenactment event going on on TWST). It's been one of my favorite Disney movies ever since I was young.
That's all for now, a short and sweet journal entry for today since I wanted to talk about the new stuff I got.
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖8/14/2025
I don't have too too much to write for this entry but I did wanna talk about my first ever itabag I made! Weirdly, I never considered making one before. But, I had this nice, long conversation with a customer at my job about itabags and it made me wanna finally make my own. Here is what it looks like!
Of course I had to make it themed off of the Shrouds! I stuck basically every piece of Shroud merch I had in there XD Except for my two big nesoberis since they're far too large. That cradle thing in the front was actually an accident. So, I cut up one of my old gloves that I never use and was planning on putting it on the background. Due to the material, it kept curling and made that cradle. I loved how it looked so much I just went with it!
It was a great accident since it actually made more room for my plushies. From moving it around a bit everything seems to stay stable inside but I'm gonna test it out more tomorrow when I go walking around. I'm really proud of how it came, this is my first ever test at doing an itabag and it was a great success!
The only downside was this was originally my bag for all my Disney + various other pins so now those don't have a home anymore XD I'll figure something out for them later. I would love to do more itabags in the future though! Maybe I could get a cute Disney themed itabag and put all my bunches and bunches of Disney pins in there.
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖8/13/2025
I had intended to write for the past 2 days now but I was too busy in my personal life XD. Anyway, I decided to make the decision to purchase Minecraft. I had never really intended to before but my boyfriend encouraged me to. Honestly, it's been well worth the money, this game has been a blast. I was reluctant before since I'm not normally into games like this, but maybe the genre is growing on me because I've been obsessively on it.
Here's what I've been doing in it!
I decided to take up residence in this Bamboo Forest close to where I spawned in. I went to the highest hill I could find and began crafting my little home. Here's the outside of it!
And here's the inside. I originally dug my house underground to have protection against the monsters that come out at night but I decided to stick with that idea. As you can see, I was able to catch 2 doggies while exploring in this nearby canyon-like area. I also caught 3 parrots in the Bamboo Forest, unfortunately the 2 red ones died :( But I still have my green one! I also caught an ocelot earlier with a rope but she somehow escaped.
There is a ladder that leads down to the bottom portion of my home. This area is still a huge W.I.P. For now, I'm keeping all my farm animals down here. Some warm chickens, 2 llamas I stole off of a villager, and a brown sheep I found along with the dogs. I also caught an axolotl in the nearby caves which I've dubbed, "Axolotl Grotto". The entire area underneath is flooded with water coming from the waterfalls I installed above.
Remember those waterfalls I mentioned? Those are connected to the water, seen above, floating around my crops. They're also connected to the water flowing around my house in the first picture. And in the next picture...
...connect to the nearby cave! Yup, the same cave I've titled, "Axolotl Grotto". I originally started building this aqueduct system because I couldn't figure out how to get water to my crops XD It wasn't until midway through this project I found out how to make buckets. But, I still wanted to do the idea because it'd look cool and so I didn't have to run over to the cave everytime I needed water. From that idea, I decided to add the water around my house and eventually have it flowing down into my home for an indoor aquarium!
Here is what the inside of that cave looks like. I did some cleaning up and added the lights, but I'm leaving it mostly unchanged to preserve its natural beauty. Axolotls and tropical fish like to roam this place.
Finally, I did also create an underground tunnel to lead to Axolotl Grotto as well. In case I wanna avoid monsters during the night time journey. You can see on the third image to the left a sign. Past there is where this tunnel is. I'm gonna continue expanding upon my home and figuring out what else I wanna do with its design. I wanna add more tunnels to other major areas for easy travel.
I have had no experience with Minecraft before, so keep that in mind XD It's a fairly easy game to pick up on though! It really lets your creativity do whatever. Also, since there isn't really a story or quests it leaves room for so much story creation of your own!
Here is my character. This is what the game spawned me in as and honestly, I might just keep it. If I can figure out how to change the clothes I'll do that, but I want their appearance to stay largely the same. They don't quite have a name yet but I know I want their last name to be James. I imagine they got sent to the Minecraft world in the same style the Minecraft movie did it. Now they're stuck here and are completely petrified of everything XD
Their main goal is to just survive and figure out the secrets to this strange world. They have a close bond with animals, especially with the parrots that inhabit the Bamboo forest they live in. They're very distrusting and on high alert all the time so when a villager came nearby they killed him and took his llamas. Don't blame them, they thought the villager was a threat! And his llamas were cute, they really wanted them.
I almost forgot, they also did find some sort of strange portal in the Canyons area. Next to it was a chest full of all sorts of treasures. That portal won't leave [Name]'s mind though, they really want to find out what it does. Also, they have a neighbor whose an Enderman who visits frequently.
Alright, project update time!
I don't have too much of a big one since I haven't really worked on my MLP Collection page too too much XD But, I did get Wave 12 done! This one took me a bit for a few reasons.
Wave 12 doesn't have the best documentation to be honest. Most of the other waves do but weirdly for Wave 12's US release it's missing some things. Namely, card documentation. So, when this page does release and cards are either missing/not the most high quality images that's why. I didn't want to put in the EU cards since they're a bit different and aren't linked to these releases.
Also, these ponies had a TON of variants. I do make it my job to document as many variants of merchandise as I can, but man there was a lot for these. Its mostly because with this Wave I had the Mane Six ponies and those are known to have a lot. I have nearly every pony from Wave 12 as well, which made production on this a little longer. Thankfully, it is done though and I can move onto Wave 13 (which will definetely take less time XD).
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖8/10/2025
Well, let's talk about the biggest thing that happened yesterday. I would of written about it but I was BEYOND exhausted from getting no sleep the day prior. We're finally getting an official Homestuck animation! That news really came out of nowhere and not even on any Homestuck holidays either, like we usually expect. It looks really good!! And I am quite happy with the voicing cast they went with, the characters sound exactly like how I imagined them to. Toby Fox being John was such a great surprise too!
I'm not really familiar with Vivziepop's work but I am aware of how popular it is so seeing she's animating it was a cool surprise as well. I can't wait to watch it when it finally drops!! Maybe it'll encourage me to finally check out her other works? The only stuff from her I know of was watching her "Die Young" animation and following her old Deviantart many, many moons ago. I used to really love that animation from her, I would rewatch it often. I did also check out the "Hazbin Hotel" pilot when it first dropped.
In other news, I did finish reading through the first part of Radiant Reenactment. I'm so sad we're left on a cliffhanger there, but at least it'll continue in a few days. I couldddd technically finish reading it since people have uploaded videos of the entire event, but I'll wait. As of writing this, I haven't finished through White Rabbit Festival just yet. Radiant Reenactment definetely is going differently than I theorized XD but I still like the direction they're going. Riddle being so adamant they dress up and act like princesses to escape the library is such a funny concept. I do still wanna make my own ideas for this event into an AU or something that follows the plot of "Tangled" more closely.
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖7/31/2025
I've decided to erase all my previous Journal entries and I'm going to start fresh! I've been dissatisfied with how I've been running my Journal for a while now. I don't want to use it to just complain about things like I've done with multiple entries in the past. This site is meant to be used for embracing my love for my interests. It's meant to be a home away from the things that trouble me. It's why I named it Traverse Town, since that place was always a comfort away from all the darkness out there.
I had intended to use my Journal a lot more frequently to do such things. But, all I wanted to write about were things that angered or bothered me. And, I didn't want all that on here, so I began to write less and less. So, I wanted to change that and I felt the best way to do so would be to start over.
I want to use my Journal to write more about my interests, my happy thoughts for the day, and maybe also talk about any projects I'm working on. I know for some people writing out their negative thoughts and complaints helps. For me, though, it just makes me think of those topics more instead of letting them go. I think for my own mental sake, its a change that needed to be made.
Do expect more frequent writing in here of whatever topics pique my interest that day (or perhaps every few days or week, I don't want to force myself to write if I have nothing to say!).
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖6/28/2025
I finally got around to updating my gallery with all the new artwork I've drawn since April. This Rebornica FNAF archive project has really taken up a lot of my time, which is why I haven't really been able to do anything major on my site for a while. I'm now 2 months into the project, but luckily I'm nearly finished! All I have to do is get through January and February (which has the least amount of posts so that one'll be a breeze) and then it's finished!
Anyway, I've been really getting back into playing both the japan and english servers of Twisted Wonderland. I haven't touched them since 2023.
I now have 18 SSR cards on the japan server, I got his Birthday Jacket card yesterday from the free 20 pulls his missions give you. The new overblot animations came out as well, and they're honestly so cool! I wonder if they're gonna be used in the anime since they're animated in a similar style. Idia's new overblot card is so cool as well, unsure if I'll be able to get it since I've had no success so far. I got to try out the Stitch event finally on the english server and it was super cute! Floyd, Lilia, and Stitch are the best chaotic trio ever.
I'm still pretty behind on the english server, and my cards are pretty weak (I only have 3 SSRs on there). I didn't play the english server as much when it first came out, but I wanna get more active on it now. Also, I'm excited for the new diner event! I thought it was going to be some kind of Disney parks related event from the little snippet of Cater we got at first. But, this idea is really cute too! And I love how it involves Chip and Dale. Also, seeing Idia in it is going to be a great treat. He's going to absolutely hate every minute of it and I wanna see his suffering.
Honestly, I missed these games so much. They've gotten me through a lot over the years and booting them up again felt like coming home. I've been thinking of adding more Twisted Wonderland themeing to my website. It's such a big special interest of mine and I'd love for my site to be Kingdom Hearts/Twisted Wonderland themed. Not sure what I'll do just yet though, maybe I'll redesign some pages or add TWST themeing around? We'll see.
In other news, I was finally able to get a Switch 2 yesterday!
I was literally only able to get this because it was rumored Best Buy was going to restock online at 12 noon and I waited and waited and kept reloading the page till the order button finally showed up. I speedran through that checkout XD Anyway, so far it is really cool! It's got a much bigger screen and I really appreciate the new backstand they added as well as the AC adapter being on top. Mine came with Mario Kart World and honestly the game has been a huge blast to play! I was never really into racing games before but this one might actually convince me otherwise.
The frame rates are also really good. I didn't think BOTW/TOTK could run any smoother but they do. They also look somehow better as well. I love all the new sound effects the Switch 2's menu has as well, they're so fun to listen to over and over again.
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖It feels really healing to finally embrace this ship. I spent many years avoiding it because all the people I was surrounded by were "antis". I grew afraid of shipping anything "wrong" and Shroudcest was big on that list. Yet, I couldn't stop thinking about it or intentionally seeking it out. And I couldn't figure out why I had those urges at the time, and now its very clear to me.
Idia and Ortho Shroud have held a very special place in my heart ever since Twisted Wonderland first launched. I latched onto them very early on and they've been with me for almost 5 years now. They're probably some of the most important fictional characters ever to me. I've never related so hard to a fictional character before until Idia.
Their characters, designs, personalities, their stories, everything about them is just so great to me. And I've always loved their relationship with each other. I think its one of the deepest ones in Twisted Wonderland (strong contender being the Diasomnia family). They've been through so much together, and they really only have each other. Nobody else would be able to understand each other and what they went through on such a deep level besides each other.
I was always fascinated by how their relationship was written, even when I wasn't into Shroudcest (or well, wouldn't admit to it). I loved it for its familial and platonic aspects, and now I can appreciate the romantic potential it has as well. There is so much angst and tragedy with the Shroud brothers and I think adding a romantic spin to it could up those elements further. It could also explain some of the more obsessive behavior these two are shown to have for each other throughout the game. Not to mention, Grim literally calls Idia a "brocon" at one point.
So many aspects of it you can explore too. Idia x Robot Ortho (angst, fluff, and healing together post chapter 6), Idia x Phantom Ortho (soooo much angst soooo much), Idia x human Ortho (AU funsies, this one would probably just be full of fluff). They'd also all carry this forbidden love aspect, which is always fun. I feel like that'd be mostly on Idia's side, he'd constantly be worrying and hating himself over it and Ortho is just so chill about it and doesn't care.
I would like to draw fanart of Shroudcest soon now that I've begun to embrace it. Maybe write some fanfiction as well (I would like to create a page dedicated to fanfiction/writings outside of journaling). It's been a very long time since I've drawn anything Shroud brothers related. Whenever I do draw them again they aren't going to look like how they did in those pieces. My artstyle has changed a lot and I'd prefer to make them look closer to how they do in canon. I'm also not gonna shy away from going outside of platonic depictions. Incest ships are not everyone's thing, but this is my website and I did put warnings on the landing page in case people want to avoid such content.
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖5/14/2025
Well, this was quite a disappointing thing to wake up to. I can't say I'm fully surprised though, there was always this fear in the back of my mind this would happen. Clearly this game was going through some really rocky development what with all the delays over the years. I thought it would just take a really long time for the game to come out though, not for them to straight up cancel it.
The game has been in development since 2019, which would mean it's been worked on for over 6 years now. That is a really long time to work on a mobile game. I think this also marks the hugest canceled game in Kingdom Heart's history. We've had smaller cancelled games before, but none that were so far into production and that had beta testing done to the public.
It's ironic really, because it really lived up to its name and its narrative. The story was about the lost portion of Kingdom Heart's story, the part that got lost to time. And that is quite literally what is happening in reality. I don't think that is intentional but I wouldn't put it past Nomura to do something insane like that. I don't think Missing Link's story is gone though, I think it will be repurposed somehow in a future game. It was mentioned to be important to KH4's story so it has to come back.
Even if it did go live, I don't think it would of been successful. I felt like it was only going to survive for maybe a year or two and then not be able to make enough money to continue. Its GPS based mechanic I feel like was gonna be its downfall. Pokemon Go got popular from this because it was one of the first big games to ever really use this mechanic and also because its such a huge brand and its games fit that kind of mechanic.
But other GPS based games have never really reached the success of Pokemon Go. And, as big as Kingdom Hearts is, its audience really isn't into that kind of thing. Considering how major of a mechanic it was too, a lot of people were discouraged from wanting to play it. I, myself, wasn't too thrilled with it either. In concept, it is really cool and impressive, especially since it directly tied to the lore of the game as well. But, in execution, I wasn't really into it.
I wasn't too thrilled with the whole gacha system returning either, as that isn't really my thing either. I was hyped for the game because of the lore and characters. I might of played it a little but I mostly just wanted to see the cutscenes like I did with UX and Dark Road. I hope we instead get a proper game or a movie like Back Cover to tell Missing Link's story.
I heard rumors not that long ago of Missing Link's beta builds getting datamined and I think the info from those plus the builds themselves are gonna get dropped publicly soon. Now that the game is cancelled Square Enix won't really have too much of an incentive to take them down. I really wanna see what was hiding inside those builds that recorded footage didn't get.
As disappointed as I am, at least we still have KH4 to look forward to. The team from Missing Link will be moving back over to KH4's development so that should speed things up for that game.
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖I used to really be into studying what the internet refers to as "Lolcows". Nowadays, its a topic that just upsets me a lot. I can't remmeber why or how I even got into studying them, I think it was also around the time I was addicted to hearing about drama and call outs on people. Which is another thing that just upsets me nowadays.
Lolcows fascinated me a lot because they reminded me a lot of aspects about myself. As much as I would make fun of them and berate them, deep down inside I felt a connection with these kinds of people. This was also during the time I was discovering (or rather denying) that I was neurodivgerent. I felt I had to hide a lot of aspects about myself because they were commonly made fun of.
And that's the thing that really bothers me about the culture surrounding Lolcows. Most of the people getting targeted and made fun of are usually on the spectrum or have something up with them. And then here come a bunch of people harassing them and making fun of them and it makes whatever they're going through worse. I think part of it can also be that the people being targeted should just get offline or ignore the trolls but, the attackers are still to blame too.
Don't get me wrong, I do understand the fascination people have with studying Lolcows. Its one of the reasons I got drawn in myself. There are very unique individuals out there who do very unique things, and what we don't understand can fascinate the human mind. I think to some extent documenting and studying isn't a bad thing either, as long as its done in a respectful and non-invasive manner.
But a lot of the people within this kind of culture are some of the most cruel people I've seen. They berate and dehumanize and treat Lolcows as if they're not real people who don't have real feelings. They harass Lolcows and sometimes ruin their lives, all for their own sick fun.
There are certain Lolcows out there who have done very horrible things, sometimes illegal things. These are more commonly called "Horrorcows" from what I remember. I have less empathy for these kinds of people, I don't condone harassment but I can't say you didn't have it coming. But for the normal Lolcows who are most likely just people on the spectrum trying to navigate the world and have fun, its not right to me.
The culture of Lolcows and call out culture is sort of similar in a way, to me. Which is funny, because the cultures surrounding both sides tend to not like each other. But, I think its 2 sides to the same coin. Humans are drawn to drama, to seeing others fall and be put down. There's this instinct within us to reject what is not the norm, what is different. And a lot of times we are pressured into being like other people so that we don't end up like "Them". I remember hearing that often when I'd look through Lolcow content. It was always people saying "Man my life is bad, but at least I'm not like that person!".
I don't keep up with either culture anymore, in fact I've been avoiding it like the plague for a few years now. I suppose it did teach me some things though. To be more kinder and to have a more open mind to the variety of people out there. Also not to trust everything you read or hear, lies are quite rampant in both cultures. It also introduced me to a lot of cool people I do actively follow now, not for Lolcow reasons but for their works or doings.
I don't keep up with any of the new Lolcows, I have no interest. Its the same things over and over again once you've spent enough time researching Lolcows. Person getting made fun of for either their: identity, unique interests, actions, disabilities, or creations. It loses its spark after a while, especially since I realized I share a lot of traits with these kinds of people. And it doesn't sit right with me anymore to make fun of my own kind.
Same goes for call out culture and drama related things. It loses its spark too after a while. Especially after you realize a lot of these cases are just done to, well, cause drama! Most of the stuff being accused either doesn't matter, isn't true/isn't fully true, is personal beef that the person making the call out had to air out to the public, the person making the call out couldn't distinguish between their own discomforts and actual issues and had to make it everyone else's problem instead of blocking.
I think the fact that its so normalized to make fun of "weird" or "different" people is the reason such groups have difficulties being accepted. I do think things have gotten better, like therians for example were such a made fun of group. Not many people back then were open about being a therian, especially in public. And nowadays its become more acceptable to be open about it, and I see them pretty much everyday at work. Being autistic too is starting to become more normalized as well, among many other things.
Being apart of the Lolcow culture and call out culture might of affected me negatively a lot, but it taught me to accept myself too. I was just like those Lolcows I would watch, or just like the people getting called out. I was weird, and strange; an outcast and a freak just like them. I'm an neurodivergent queer as hell fuck who likes a lot of really weird things and does a lot of really weird things. I'm a furry, I'm alterhuman, I probably have OSDD-1B, I'm xenic, I'm a proshipper, and I have a lot of "cringe" special interests. I could go on, but I tick off a lot of things that the Lolcow and call out culture community hates.
It taught me how to accept others who were also like me. So, as much as I regret indulging in such cultures and following people who made their whole career off of ruining other people's lives, I think something good came out of it.
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖5/4/2025
Been a long while since I've really taken a hiatus from coding. I can't remember the last time I did. I've just been so hyperfixated since December of last year on working on my FNAF shrine! But it's time I needed a break. There's a lot of things going on in my personal life, plus coding has just been bringing me a lot of stress on top of that as of late. So, I'm taking a step back to focus on other things and to self care.
Spring has definetely cheered up my mood though. The outside world always looks so beautiful when full of life. All the trees have their leaves back, the flowers are in bloom, and the wonderful noise of the birds fills my ears everyday. I love seeing all the squirrels everywhere too, they're quite excitable little things, you know? I always see them running around in my backyard, chasing each other. It seems squirrels get the zoomies too. That picture I attached above is of an eastern phoebe, we have so many of them here. They also really love sitting on our little bird stand too, it's always the phoebes that sit there! Barely any of the other birds do.
Been talking with my alters more too, communications are getting better and I'm starting to learn about them more. I've been getting more open about it to my boyfriend as well and he's been taking it (and meeting the Others) super well! It still feels a little weird but I think that feeling will vanish over time. One of my alters, Curly, was the one who suggested I take a break from coding in the first place. He says writing journal entries like this and doing minor stuff is still okay though, since this is basically just me writing.
I'm still really proud of what I have made so far of my FNAF shrine. I was really trying out some techniques with javascripting that I never tried before! The one thing I couldn't figure out, though, was how to make images change randomly. I wanted Helpy's animations to cycle through randomly but I could only get it to work in a specific pattern. Still though, the fact I was able to figure even that out is something I'm proud of. Maybe in the future I'll update that if I ever figure out how to do it.
I got my first troll, as well as the first person I've had to decline from my webring. It was bound to happen at some point, just didn't think it'd take this long. Though, I guess unlike social media, most Neocities people tend to be chill and know how to give people basic respect. I don't wish any ill will on them though, that wouldn't make me any better than that person. People who do these kinds of things tend to be going through something themselves and take it out on others. I just hope that their days go well, their time on Neocities is pleasant, and whatever endeavors they wish to pursue I wish them the best of luck on them. I also wish that they can learn from this event and grow and change as a person.
Trying to save up for a Nintendo Switch 2 currently as well. It's gonna take me some time but I do wanna get one. I'm excited for Pokemon Legends Z-A and Donkey Kong Bananza. I'm also excited for the upgrades that BOTW and TOTK are getting as well. Oh, also the new selection of old games coming too! So excited to finally check out Wind Waker! I do hope most of my old games are compatible with the new console, but if not that's okay. I don't plan on getting rid of my old Switch anyway so I'll still play on it.
Seems school is almost out for all the little kids, as well as the college folk. My, has time flown, huh? I swear it still feels like this year just started and we're almost halfway through! Also means I've almost been at my job for a whole year too, crazy to think about.
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖4/25/2025
I like to encourage as many people as I can to join Neocities whenever they're looking for an alternative to social media. But, would EVERY person joining Neocities (or other places like Nekoweb) be a good idea? Of course, this realistically isn't going to happen, but what if it did potentially? At first, it sounds nice, since everyone would have their own personal space and could express their creativity in ways social media doesn't offer.
But, the more I think about it, I feel like it would lead to the downfall of Neocities and the like. I've always loved Neocities for how detached it feels from the culture of social media. The toxicity and fighting, the normalization of harassment, "Twitter" problems (where people create problems out of nothing), peer pressure, call outs, DNI lists, popularity contests, morality contests, and much more. On here, I only see some of these occur once in a blue moon.
I'd really hate to see that kind of culture become the norm on here. That culture is the reason I had to leave most social media in the first place, it was destroying my mental health. Also, I feel like a TON of people would just rely on templates instead of learning HTML themselves. I wanna preface, I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with people using templates. They can be a great tool that enables people who know little to no HTML to join in on the fun and start to learn. But if a large percentage of sites became template based instead of originality based everything would start to feel... stale, y'know?
Also, if everyone were to join website stealing would be FAR more common than usual. And then advertisers would notice where everyone is going, and make their own advertisement sites. With all the influx of people, Neocities might have to charge more to keep up with the server costs. That or implement ads which really wouldn't be cool.
I mentioned call out posts earlier when describing some of the issues with social media culture. I have only seen a few call out websites during my time on here, and good lord I do not wanna see those become normalized. Call out posts rarely ever have anything substantial to them. Again, what I call "Twitter" problems where the "issues" listed are only things really sensitive Twitter people would care about.
Stuff that should of just been dealt with between friends and not aired out to the public. They find something that makes them uncomfortable and makes it everyone else's problem. And when there IS serious allegations of something criminal its buried in with the rest of the nonsensical stuff and treated on the same level AS that stuff. Also, you should really be taking that info to law enforcement, because posting it publicly CAN interfere with investigations. Not to mention, sometimes the evidence provided isn't enough or its very out of context.
Had to rant there about call out posts because I've seen way too many in my time on social media and they're all like this. I just recently had to read through the infamous one for Blueycapsules while doing research/working on the archive for it. And again it's like, half of these are "Twitter" problems, the other half doesn't have a lot of evidence and is very out of context, most of this really was just issues between friends that didn't need to be aired out to the public, and the actual serious allegations are wedged into between all this other nonsense. Like, it is not the people's intentions when making these call out posts to make me feel bad for the bad side, but I end feeling bad for the accused person because of this.
Ranting aside, my point is Neocities would be full of these if everyone decided to join. And I swear if I were to see a hundred sites pop up saying "CALLOUT ON [X] FOR SHIPPING [Y] AND DRAWING [Z]" I might actually blow my brains out. Like those would actually be my final straw of trying to stay (if the other stuff happening didn't turn me away first).
I want the old web back, I think many of us do. I want the time back when nearly everyone had their own personal site. I want social media to die out, along with the toxicities of its culture. But, I don't think everyone moving here and to similar web hosting places will fix that. It's also a time period that, well, probably can't be fully replicated again. The culture of people and the web was so different back then. We're moving to an age where people have changed, and the focus now is mobile and not PC.
Back then, everyone had a Geocities or Angelfire website. And it worked. But that was during the times of Web 1.0 and some parts of 2.0. A time when the web was vastly different compared to how it is now. Now, the only people still interested in having a website are those who miss the time or those who have faults with how the web is now. So, no, I don't think everyone should join Neocities. I don't think it can even happen with how things are now. And, maybe that's for the best.
While the rest of the web continues to evolve into a deformed tragedy and its residents tear away at its innards, at least there will be places like this. Remnants of what once was and of a better time. There is a phrase I once heard somewhere, "The Internet is Dead". While not literal, I do really like it as a metaphor. The internet is not what it once was. Change is necessary, for anything that exists, but it's not always a good thing.
The rest of Web 2.0 and the rise of 3.0 have killed the beauty that once was here. And with it, while not fully responsible, it has changed some of our culture in such horrid ways. Social media used to be alright, it was always going to have flaws by its design, but it was... better. More tolerable. Now it's become a hellscape that destroys and warps the minds of almost all who use it.
I am someone who holds very strong anti-censorship and free speech beliefs. So, as much as I hate it all, it does have the right to exist. Doesn't mean I won't complain about it though. At least we have places like Neocities, like Nekoweb, like others. Perhaps I understand now why older people complain about all this new fangled stuff. It can be hard to let go of the past, and of things that were better in your eyes. I understand why they encourage people to seek what came before them. To preserve what is fading away to time.
It can be hard to let go of a culture dying right before your eyes.
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖4/22/2025
(Co-written by my alter, Locket)
It's strange to me how it's become very acceptable to shame and mock people who are still into Harry Potter. This is a topic that could extend out to other pieces of media, but I want to focus on Harry Potter today. I've been a huge fan of the series ever since I was little, and to suddenly see thousands of people saying "You can't do that anymore" is odd.
It's spawned from the various controversial beliefs that J.K. Rowling has and the many... questionable things she likes to say. Don't get me wrong, I understand why a lot of people have lost respect for her. I used to look up to her, now I just feel very mixed and hurt. But, why then has it become acceptable to harass and shame people who are still fans of her work? It's one thing if you don't want to support her anymore, but why try to force everyone else to do the same as you?
The world is full of all kinds of evil, and in some way we are all supporting a kind of evil. Whenever we buy something from a company, we may or not may not know where that money is going. By the logic of "giving J.K. Rowling money equals supporting her beliefs" we'd all be evil if we extend this to every person and company. Each person buys or continues to enjoy something for a million reasons, its not always because "I support their beliefs". And a lot of people online (because this is mostly an online issue) have thrown away all their reason and forgot this.
I've never cared for this kind of mob mentality that clearly stems from peer pressure. I was peer pressured into this for a while, I gave up everything Harry Potter related because I wanted to fit in. And peer pressure is NEVER a good thing, no matter what "cause" you're trying to do. Its fine to spread the message of Rowling's harmful beliefs, its fine to do some encouragement of not supporting her, but once you start saying "If you support her you're a bad person" that's when your cause is flawed. You actively push me and others away when you start being forceful.
We mentioned earlier that this is mostly an online issue. I've met many people who are Harry Potter fans in real life, many of whom are also huge advocates for trans people. They still buy Harry Potter merch, they still talk about it, heck they still go to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Universal. It never once hurt me as a trans person and I never took it as them actively trying to hurt trans people. Most people in real life don't actually care about this online bullshit, because they have common sense.
Its annoying too when you have people trying to speak on behalf of all trans people's feelings on the matter too. I'm trans and I don't care if you like or even buy Harry Potter stuff. I'm not even going to hate someone for still liking J.K. Rowling because, guess what, there's a million reasons why someone still might.
This is an issue that can extend outside of Harry Potter as well. This constant peer pressure of "you can't like this" or "you can't support that" because it discomforts someone. It's become so normalized on social medias, and its very worrying for the children and other people who get pressured into things easily. It's not healthy, both for those getting pressured and those in the "cause".
It's been freeing, getting away from people like that. I learned to be able to enjoy Harry Potter again, a franchise that really inspired me and impacted me a lot as a person. I want to start collecting HP stuff again too. I wanna try out Hogwarts Legacy as well, since deep down I really wanted to play it back when it first got revealed. If that somehow makes me a "monster" in the eyes of people, then so be it. I'm not going to be a sheep that lets my opinions and beliefs be controlled by the many. I'm the black sheep, I do what I want.
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖4/19/2025
Well, I wasn't expecting the arrest of Haley Joel Osment to be the next big Kingdom Hearts news we got but here we are. I'm gonna be honest, when I first saw the headlines I got really worried. I was at work when this news came into my radar so I didn't have time to look into it. Now that I have thoroughly looked through everything that happened, I just feel really bad for the guy.
Clearly what he said wasn't right, and it probably has hurt some people out there. But, clearly he was not of sound mind at all in that clip. He was full on drunk, he could barely speak right, let alone stand. I think this is all coming from the fact that he's been struggling really bad these past few months. His entire home and all his belongings were destroyed in the California fires happening. And I think his way of (unheailthy) coping has been drinking and doing drugs.
I'm not mad at the guy, I'm not really the type of person to get mad at people for using slurs. Even if they're ones the person cannot use, unless you're actively trying to harass or torment someone. In Haley's case, clearly he wasn't of sound mind and was spitting out whatever words came to his head because he was mad and drunk. In his apology he sounded very devastated about doing this.
I forgive the guy, and I hope this has been a wake up call for him. I hope he can get his life together and look into healthier ways to cope and better himself. I do wonder how this will affect his career, not just for Kingdom Hearts but acting as a whole. I feel as if this incident is quite minor compared to what some actors have done (and they still have their careers). Still though, the fact he threw out slurs could jeopardize him.
I do hope it doesn't though. In my opinion, I feel like this was a very minor thing. And I really hope he doesn't kicked as voicing Sora. Haley's voice is so synonymous with these games, its really gonna be a hard change if he has to leave. I don't think they could get anyone else to voice Sora, it just would not be the same. I don't know how long this whole thing will go on for but I have a feeling it will delay Kingdom Hearts 4 in some way.
My heart really does go out to Haley Joel Osment. I didn't even know his house and everything had burned, I didn't know how much he was suffering. I know this situation is going to cause a lot of conflict within people. Some of his fans may have been really hurt by this, especially if they're Jewish. But, I forgive the guy and I still look up to him. I wish him the best in recovering and whatever the future of his career may be.
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖4/18/2025
Updates have been slow as of recently, but for good reason. I've been hard at work working on my FNAF shrine behind the scenes. A lot of progress has been made, though there is still a lot to go! I've been working on this since January of this year so I'm excited to (hopefully) get it out soon. I decided to include my FNAF AU, London Bridge, onto this site instead of my 2nd one. With some thinking I figured it was appropriate enough for my Web-14 rating. My biggest concerns were the dark elements, violence, and the fact one of the characters works as a stripper. Though, I've seen all these elements done in PG-13 media so it should be alright. Worse comes to worse I can just put up a warning saying some of the content is mature-ish, viewer discretion advised, yada yada.
The Timeline section for London Bridge will be incomplete for now though. I want to really finalize the ideas I have for its story before I let that go live. Anyway, I also did decide to combine my Blueycapsules Archive into the shrine as well. I originally was going to create it on a separate site but I'll just put it onto my main site here. I'm unsure how much of it will be complete by the shrine's launch but I'd at least like to get some done. I still have some pages I need to finish, such as the Collection, Links, Fan games, Nostalgia, and Review pages.
In other news, I've been practicing driving more. It's been a little scary but I've been getting the hang of it fairly easily. I'm thinking of potentially going to some driving schools to really get some quality practice in. You can only learn but so much by driving in empty parking lots with no obstacles!
Been talking and trying to connect with my other alters more. I feel its gotten a bit easier. I'm starting to differentiate whose who as without concentration I can't always tell the difference between whose fronting/talking. I think I finally understand why I was always so indecisive about stuff in the past, and its because all of my alters have different opinions on things! It always felt like I had a million opinions racing in my head (turns out that was kind of true!).
I'm also learning to be more open about potentially being a system. I was nervous (and still am) about referring to the Others in my head and letting them refer to me in the third person instead of just "I" or "Me" like usual. One of my alters, Curly, has been really helping me break through that though. One day while he was fronting he went against what I said and began referring to himself by his name and speaking about me in the third person to my boyfriend. I was mortified when I found out but it all turned out just fine, just like he said. He is a caregiver, so he tends to have the smartest ideas and does what's best for us.
I am unsure HOW open I want to be about being a system though. I think, much like for myself (the host), its better to keep certain private information, well, private! Since they're people too, many of my alters have things they want to keep private. I debated adding a section to my About page (or some other page) giving introductions to all of them. Some liked the idea and some were against it. I want to do what makes everyone in this system comfortable. They all seem alright with me mentioning them and giving some basic information.
On another note, I've started to save up money for the Nintendo Switch 2! I really want to get one as soon as possible so I'm saving up what I can from my paychecks for it. I'm fine not getting it on launch day, but I'd like one before Legends Z-A releases since I want to get that game on there. As much as I love my original Switch it is old, it was one of the ones first released in 2017. I don't think it'd die anytime soon since I have consoles from when I was 7 still somehow running, but I would like something newer.
I do really like the new design of it as well as the magnetic controllers. I'm also excited for the enhancement upgrades BOTW and TOTK are getting, as well as that new app. I also like the new stand the Switch 2 is getting, and hopefully its more durable than the original Switch's was. The game chat feature isn't one I will be utilizing really at all but it is a cool concept. I'm also really excited for the Gamecube games to be coming to Switch Online (so excited to finally try out The Wind Waker!!!).
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖Despite being written on Homestuck day, this has nothing to do with Homestuck, LOL. Instead, I wanted to discuss something that has been bothering me as of late. I'm not too much of a political person myself and I don't really like discussing them either. But, I wanted to discuss something I've been noticing recently, and its how wildy aggressive people are about politics.
Now, perhaps they have always been this way, perhaps I had never really noticed before, but I just feel as if the political climate has become much more dangerous. And, not just on one side, but on every side. I have had instances happen to me (as well as seen happen to others) of people on the same side start to go against each other. To start throwing accusations of being on the other side, or supporting "X" or "Y", and a lot of times over petty things.
I had an instance a while back of being in a quite large and popular Discord server. They ended up making an announcement about something to do with politics, which they had never done before. So, I was curious and expressed this curiousity about why they did that and about the post itself. And I was met with the owners and the entire moderation accusing me of being "pro-Trump" and supporting this and that all over just being curious. They were incredibly rude to me from the start, mocked me and demanded I give them answers. They told me that questioning what they did was wrong and that I should never do that again.
I did end up leaving the server after that, leaving them a message about how this kind of behavior is unacceptable. People learn by asking questions, not by blindly submitting to whatever you say because you think its "good". These were people which were on the same side politically as I was, yet let themselves be ruled by fear. And it's this fear that is turning people dangerous. It reminds me quite a bit of the Red Scare and how it raised a lot of moral panic. It led to people throwing around similar accusations and getting each other in trouble over any suspicions.
Fear blinds people, it creates anxiety over who is friend or foe. It leads our reasoning and logical skills to diminish. I think a lot of this is also influenced by social media and how it pushes people to become like this. This mentality of "if you're not on MY side then you're evil".
A hard truth many won't accept either is that just become someone is "left" or "right" doesn't automatically make them a bad person. People vote for a certain President or choose a certain side for many different reasons. I don't think any person 100% agrees with the ideals of that side/President. There are pros and cons to each side, and people go with whatever side has the most or most important things they care about.
I am someone who by my beliefs would fall into the "left" category, yet I've known and have been close with people who are "right". And the people who would go,"B-but, but that means they-they-!", you don't know why people chose to align that way. Not everybody is concerned with the same issues as you are, and to feel like everyone has to be is unrealistic and a self-centered way of thinking. There are a million reasons why people choose to be what they are, and its a hard reality people have to accept. We have the freedom of choice, let people excercise that freedom.
I think more people, on both sides, need to open their minds. Continuing to stay ignorant and self-centered won't help anything. To the people in fighting and accusing their own members of siding with "evil", I think you need to calm down and wake up. Are there people out there with dangerous beliefs? Depending on your interpretations and beliefs, yes. But, the way I've seen people go about this is hurting their own kind and pushing people to go to the other side.
There is going to be people out there you disagree with, you may hate their ideas. But, you can't fully stop everyone from having them. That's not how people work, they choose to believe what is right in their heart. Let them be, respectfully listen to them and put yourself in their shoes. And if you really don't want to be around them, then stick with your own kind and be happy.
This is something I've spent a lot of time thinking about and meditating on. I always try to understand other people's perspectives and put myself in their shoes. That goes for the people who are aggresive about politics too. It's simple really, we're animals. We may be dressed and act properly, but we cannot deny our instincts to fight forever. We once fought with tooth and nail, now we fight with words and speeches.
As a bit of an aside, I also wanted to discuss how people get this way about certain movements as well. Take the whole "Free Palestine" movement that is happening. I think it's a wonderful thing that people want to pitch in and help everyone there. But, there has grown a lot of people who have taken a very aggresive approach to this. "Side with us and do what we say or you're evil.".
"Donate to this or you're a bad person", or "Stay up to date with what's happening in Palestine or you don't care", among many other things I've heard. This is how you drive people away, and it's why I had to stay clear of most of the movement. Peer pressuring people into things is wrong to me. I had to avoid it due to those reasons and the fact these topics really affect my mental health. And I've seen quite a number of them claim that you need to prioritize this over your own mental health. And what a sick thing that is to say.
A lot of movements happen around the world, some more obscure than others, and not everyone donates or contributes to them. By their logic, everyone should be evil for not caring about every crisis that happens. Not everyone wants to contribute to something, not everyone CAN contribute to something. Not everyone cares as hard as you do about something, and that doesn't make them evil. Everyone has their reasons, and more people need to realize this and calm down.
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖4/5/2025
Written by my alter, Nezzera.
When we were little, I think I used to understand the definition of "friend". We had many back then, and we would easily pick up any we met. Whether at school, at the park, out and about. As the years went on, that amount became less and less. We grew less eager to befriend every last person we saw, and instead grew more towards ourselves. It became harder to make friends, more frightening. People became harder to understand, they became more hateful, more judgemental.
Something became clear to me as the years went on and I observed this change. That this too we needed protection from. At first I thought we just had to keep pushing to fit in, to keep making friends, because if we were ever without any that we'd fall into madness. What I didn't realize was that, that was the very thing destroying us.
When you're little, you don't really comprehend the complex ins and outs of the world. Everything is simple, and thus people are too. You're shielded of the madness that dwells within them all, and its only when you get older these things become more clear to you. It didn't help we were developing an anxiety disorder while realizing all of this. It didn't help I played a part in pushing us towards the very thing we didn't want. But how could I, how could any of us known better? Society pushes these ideas and you're expected to follow them. And if you're not one of the social, has many friends, not socially inept types then you're seen as something lower.
Yet, here we are, 20+ years later, and we're doing swell without any. In fact, this is probably the most at peace we've ever felt, the most at peace I've ever felt (and that's saying a lot because I never really feel at peace). Perhaps that's a result of how we were raised (which was awful), perhaps it was our environment (also awful), and maybe it was all the past friendships we've had before (ranges from awful to good). I'd say our neurodivergency and anxiety disorder plays a big role in it all too, and how society treats and views people with such things. I think a lot of things factored into the way we are now.
So really, what defines a "friend"? I don't suppose I know the answer to that anymore. I don't do what most people do in friendships, I like being alone and don't like talking to others much. That isn't really viable for a friendship, now is it? We're also really awkward and don't really know how to communicate or read others well. These factors led to our remaining friendships to fizzle off or end. That probably sounds really depressing but it collectively brought us all a lot of joy.
Friendships are too stressful, too many things to keep up with and maintain. Plus, we were never able to fully be our true ourselves around 99% of them, so it felt like keeping up some fake image. We weren't happy. When I ask "What is a friend?" it gives me conflicting emotions. I remember all of the stress and pain many of our old ones gave us. I remember the good times, the memories that are forever ingrained in us. I remember the people who truly cared, and the ones who only pretended. I remember the tears, the laughter, the anguish, the pure joy, the torture, the comfort. Yet through it all, I did care for those people. I still do.
These people, all of them, changed our lives in so many unimaginable ways. They've simultaneously helped us grow and beat us to the ground, they taught us and made us learn to survive the harsh wilds on our own. If you were to ask me, "Would I ever want any of them back?", I would say no. I don't. Not at all. Perhaps that's hard for people who do have friends to understand, I didn't understand myself for a time.
Its freeing, being alone. No, I should be more specific, it's freeing being away from people. It finally feels like we've been able to truly understand ourselves for once in our life, and not the confusing image we put on for others. An image that clouded our minds for so long that we forgot who we even were. It feels freeing to not have to worry about maintaining and keeping up friendships with others. The only one we have to is our relationship with our boyfriend, and that one is perfectly fine with me. Because he was the one friend I actually did keep this whole time. He was the only person who we could be ourselves around, who understood us deeper than any human ever has. Who accepted us, mask off, for all of our quirks and mishapen parts.
So, if you were to ask me, "Would we ever have anymore friends?", well, I'd answer: I'm not sure. I have no desire, yet I'm not 100% against the idea. Anything is possible, after all, and I don't want to close off the idea entirely. But it cannot impede on who we've evolved into. It cannot take away from our solitude and peace that comes with not socializing. It'd have to be someone I can be my full self around, no restrictions. Its someone I have to trust (and given all we've been through, trust is a hard thing to gain from me). You have to be willing to try for years, maybe decades, and maybe it'll never happen. But I'm not completely against the idea.
I will say one thing, maybe we have friends in a way still. But not with humans, no, but with animals. I can connect to animals and pick them up as friends as quickly as I did with others when I was little. We only have to know them for less than a minute and we already adore them. They're so simple, so easy to understand. They're not judgemental, not complex, and that makes them the perfect friend. I befriend every animal I meet, even the mean ones. I know all the neighborhood animals and their names by heart. I get so eager and happy to see them, even if its weeks or months in between. We don't even need to say hello, just seeing them brings us great joy.
Maybe, just maybe, that is the true definition of a "friend". At least, for me it is. Perhaps that's why the host is a therian, and I a wolf? We've always felt more closer to animals, than people. Even in our friendships.
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖3/29/2025
Its been a long while since I've played on any of the Toontown servers. I'm not sure when I'll return to any of them, if ever. As much as I love Toontown, and as much of a huge interest it is for me, gameplay wise it doesn't suit me anymore. Neither do a lot of multiplayer games to be honest.
With my heavy introvertedness, lack of social skills, and preferrable avoidance of people it really doesn't fit well with games whose main gimmick is working with others. To be honest, even in the past when I'd play Toontown it stressed me out a lot. I just kept trying to push myself to be social and work with others since I thought one day I'd snap out of this. But, here I am, still the same way as ever and I need to respect that part of myself. And that includes not forcing myself to play games I can't handle.
It does leave me quite sad. I have tried playing on multiple accounts on Toontown when multiplayer is needed but it is a lot of work and quite stressful. Also, this method won't work when it comes to going against boss cogs in HQs since there's too much going on in those. It also doesn't really help when you get rude players (which is often) ridiculing you for messing up or not knowing how to play the game the way THEY want.
Maybe someday I'll come back to Toontown? I'm not sure. I really wanted to progress further in Corporate Clash since I beat Rewritten (for the most part). But I really can't handle putting myself under the immense stress I get from interacting with other people. Even just small talk or asking for help on a building really pushes me past my limits. We'll see, maybe I'll figure out a way to somehow solo most of the game. I know Toontown Offline is also a thing, which is geared towards playing by yourself. I think they renamed their server to something else?
Anyway, this is also why I have stepped away from a lot of other multiplayer games I used to love. It's also why I've avoided certain games that are very multiplayer focused, such as Splatoon (as much as I really wanted to play that game). I don't like games that put you versus other people too much either. There is a lot of toxicity with games like those.
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖3/28/2025
I wanted to write this since I have been recieving some very lovely messages from people as of recently. I say recently, its probably more like over the span of this year. But that feels recent to me. Whenever it happens, I'm always surprised and don't really know how to react. You'd think by now, throughout my whole life of getting compliments, it wouldn't come as such a shock to me. Yet, it still does.
Perhaps its because I've had this idea ingrained into me, ever since I was young, that people didn't like me. Its like an instinct at this point. I was so used to being disliked or even hated as a child that its just what I expect nowadays. Especially since I don't really fit in with the crowd. And yet, as I've gotten older I have recieved more love than hate. And it's a change I'm still not accustomed to. I don't know if I'll ever get accustomed to it. Can you change what your instincts tell you?
Even here on Neocities I have recieved countless amounts of compliments, of love. It baffles me. That people like me and like what I do. I can hardly stand my own self, so I don't understand what others see in me and my work. Maybe I never need to understand, maybe I never need to know. But I am very thankful for all of it. It warms my heart in ways I cannot describe, with every little comment and email. Even the people who took the time out of their day to join my webring. I cannot fathom it, but thank you.
I, admitedly, am too harsh on myself. I consider even the tiniest of my own mistakes to be grand disasters. I feel as if every single tiny thing I do makes everyone hate me. And a truth I'm still trying to accept is that, that isn't true. And even if there are people out there who hate me, which is inevitable, that it doesn't matter. What matters is the people who do care, and to love myself (another challenge I am trying to learn).
Neocities has been a platform that has helped ease me into these ideas. Trust me, I tried on various social medias, and being on such places only fueled my own self hatred and ideas that I am unlikeable. Here's a fun tip, social media sucks! I learned that the hard way. But being on here has helped me heal, in a way, and continues to help me on my healing journey.
It seems people do like me and my work, and Neocities has helped me realize that. I think some of that is coming from how small of an audience I have (or what I presume based off the 90 something followers I have as of writing this). I need to take things slowly in life, and as such I need to process the fact I am likeable slowly too. I could never handle gaining popularity, much less popularity quickly. The thought of too much love is a scary thing. And I'm a hardcore introvert who doesn't like the spotlight nor attention nor interaction! I have that little bit of talk and compliments and I'm done for the day!
Well anyway, the gist of it is, thank you if you are reading this. To all who have decided to spare a little love in the comments, in the emails, and all over places. Heck, thank you to the people who somehow found my site in the first place and decided to give it a little view or two. I don't know how my site got over 100K views, that still blows my mind. I remember when it was under a thousand, what happened?! I hope you all realize it does mean the world to me, even if I can't express that too well. That a weirdo outcast like me and my funny works are likeable.
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖3/22/2025
(Credit to my boyfriend for taking these. The lobster's name is Lobberton Bobberton.)
It's been a long while since I've went on any road trips. Haven't really since high school I think? Regardless, its been many years. But I got to again just yesterday with my boyfriend and his dad, and it made me realize how much I missed going on long road trips. I had such a blast hanging out with them, that's the most at peace I've felt in a really long while.
On our first day out we headed up to this really cool store in North Carolina called Tokyo Toybox, which sells a huge variety of different merch from many franchises (mostly anime or things coming from asian places). That's where I picked up my big Koraidon plushie. He was over 100 bucks but he was so worth it. Also, I swear the place got bigger from the last time I went??
The second day was when our road trip really really started. We headed up to Georgia, and it was so beautiful up there. I haven't been to Georgia since I think middle school? We were only coming up here to see his dad's doctor and go to a cozy little cafe, but I didn't mind. I still found the whole trip really fun. The doctors were also really cool too and apparently geniuses, and really goofy. We also got to see a Shoney's and Krystal down here, which was so cool. I love those restaurants so much. I finally got to try Whataburger while we were down here. It was sooooo good, and I'm eager to go back to one when I get the chance.
It was also really nice finally getting time to spend with my boyfriend again. We haven't been able to hang as much since life and stress has been getting in the way for both of us. This time was wonderful and so peaceful. I felt as if I somehow grew even closer to him, if that's even possible with how deeply close we are. This trip with him will definetely hold a special place in my heart and memories. I can't wait to see him again, whenever we both are able to.
One of my favorite things to do on road trips is stare out the window. I always bring things to do to keep myself entertained on long trips like this but I can't help but mostly just stare out the window. There's so much beauty out there, so many sights to see, I'm mesmorized. I've always done this ever since I was little, so it brings a huge comfort to me. It's the perfect way to daydream too. There was so much beauty out there in Georgia, I hope I can visit again soon.
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖2/20/2025
I finally got my beginner's permit!!! I was sweating bullets the whole time I was at the DMV but I passed! Now I can officially learn to start driving. I got myself some Dr. Pepper and a strawberry frosted doughnut to celebrate (my favorites).
In other good news, it snowed again today! This is like, what, the second or third time this winter? What a rarity for it to snow so late into February here, and especially for us to even get more than one snow! Or even one snow at all! It wasn't much and it didn't last long (it's almost all melted away as of writing this) but I'm thankful. It's very beautiful.
I've been really hyperfocusing on working on my FNAF related projects as of late. I've got a FNAF shrine in the works as well as a whole thing dedicated to my FNAF AU, London Bridge. The latter will be put on my second site since it contains content a little too mature for this site.
I'm really proud of how London Bridge's pages are going though. It's an AU I've put a lot of work into and its something I'm very passionate about. I've posted many drawings of it in my gallery but these pages will document its story and everything. I've also been making pages for each character and I've really been putting my skills to the test to make them look cool. Here's a WIP.
Each character page will look similar to this, just with their own unique themeing. I wanted to use this to also practice for when I create OC pages in the future, I wanna do something similar to this.
As for the regular FNAF shrine, I know I want to include a section dedicated to FNAF fan games. FNAF is a huge special interest, but FNAF fan games also take up an entire interest of their own. I wanna explore and document as many as I can. I also want to make a page dedicated to my own nostalgia for FNAF as well as doing deep dives on each topic (ex: hoaxes like Sparky the Dog).
Other than that, not much else has happened in life I suppose. My mental health still hasn't been the best but I'm doing what I can about it. Starting today I'm really going to try to get things back in order with my life, such as fixing my sleep schedule and what not. Been talking with my (potential) alters a lot more and its been helping with my mental health.
Nezzera has decided he really likes that name so I've been calling him that from now on. Sometimes I like to just say "Nezz" since that's cute.
I'm still learning to accept the fact I'm proship as well. I already wrote about all my feelings and stuff in previous journal entries, but its still gonna take time for the fear of that to go away. I think its mostly Nezz though whose afraid, he's still traumatized by everything we experienced in anti communities. Their beliefs are still drilled into us, and its gonna take time for them to go away.
I've been spending a lot of time thinking about it though. And just how prevalent censorship of media is becoming. Not just in fandom but in everything, everywhere. And it's strange to me how censorship has become the "moral good" in many people's eyes. Maybe I'll write my thoughts out more in detail another day. After all, I did say I wanted to become more open about talking about proship/anti-censorship (which are one in the same really).
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖2/13/2025
Me and my boyfriend, we're two complete opposites really. We've come to refer to each other as "yin and yang". His Yin to my Yang and my Yang to his Yin. We even have matching necklaces of such symbols. Everytime our polar sides come out we always says "It's that dang yin yang again!". And I wouldn't have it any other way, opposites attract after all.
Though sometimes I am quite irritated with myself. Such is the nature of being human I suppose, eventually you start to get fed up with yourself. Sometimes I wish I could be more like my dear Yin; open, extroverted, social. I almost put galliant but one thing we share in common is our fearfulness of the world. Though, he is more brave than I, and I wish I was that too.
Yet, you can't change what's been set in stone. And now matter how much you carve it, at the end of the day it's still stone. I tried painting myself to look like that of a tree; to blow my cold, hard branches and limestone leaves in the breeze. But I could never be like the trees, and so too I wasn't happy. I love being a stone, on the ground, so familiar to me. With the dirt and ferns, so quiet and alone from the noisy breeze.
I wasn't meant to be Yin, no matter how much I've tried. Sometimes I do wish I could frolick up there, with the song of the winds and the tickling of leaves. Sometimes I feel a poisonous trickle of jealousy in my veins. But, time and time again I am reminded of why I am not of that world. Because a stone cannot handle being a tree.
Perhaps it was the way I was formed, deep in the Earth. Perhaps the way I've eroded away over time, and washed upon countless nameless shores. They say everything is made of stardust here on our planet. Yet, as every star blinks differently, so too do we. Some burn bright and hot, suns they are and loud are their solar flares. Others paint the blanket that is the night sky, quietly burning, murmuring. Both play their roles, and not ever star is to be a sun.
I used to feel being a Yin was a requirement, that I was somehow a failure for being a Yang. Now I've come to see both are needed, both are to coexist. And I finally found where I belonged. Not high upon the tree tops or deep in hot metal cores, but right where I came from. The quiet hums of the forest floor, and the gentle thrums of the outskirts of Andromeda. It's in my blood, I'm afraid. And blood is one thing we cannot change.
I love being alone. And it took me close to 20 years to realize that. I've got Yang blood, pitch black with a dash of white. Why dye my blood when I have my other half to show me a world I'll never understand? And to him I offer a hand into mine. I suppose that's what romance is really. When trees and stone become one, when sun and star weld. Aciculas interlaced with olden roots, a prominence latching onto a core's collapse.
I find it hard to write out my emotions straightforward and I can't help but write like a poet. Like a storyteller. Maybe I'll let myself do that more often. Perhaps that's why such artisans write in such a way, for its the only way they effectively know how.
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖2/10/2025
Wanted to do one of these since it seemed fun. Original post is by pearsandhyacinths on Tumblr.
1. Sweaters or sweatshirts: Sweaters definetely, they feel a lot easier to get off which is important to me since I heat up really easily.
2. Red or blue: Blue, which is really funny because most of the outfits I wear have red. Blue is my number one favorite color though, has been ever since I was little. I especially love deep and dark blues.
3. Urban or rural: Rural, definetely. Cities are cool and I love to go explore them but I wouldn't want to live in them. I love how open rural areas are with all the nature and animals. It's quiet and peaceful and there isn't as many people.
4. Forests or meadows: Forests are some of my favorite places on this planet, so those 100%. My soul belongs in them.
5. Oceans or mountains: Probably mountains, only because I can't swim. No hate to oceans though, I love them and all the creatures that inhabit them.
6. Fate or free will: Free will, I don't like the idea of things being set in stone. I want to have the power to change my future and my own decisions.
7. Earth or space: Younger me probably would of said space since it used to be a huge hyperfixation of mine. Now, I'd say Earth. I'd rather keep things simple and explore that which I am familiar with.
8. Mages or warriors: Mages, 100%. I love magic and feel very connected to wizardry.
9. Night owl or early bird: Funny enough, I've been both. Most of my life I spent as a night owl and I couldn't comprehend how anyone could tolerate being an early bird. And now I'm an early bird by choice and wake up at the crack of dawn.
10. Socialize or solitude: Solitude, I hate people. I love being alone and I thrive off it. I do not like socializing.
11. Permanente driver or permanent passenger: I guess passenger for now? I can't drive as of yet so I have no choice but to be a passenger. When I am able to drive though I'll probably switch over cuz I want to drive myself everywhere.
12. House or apartment: I've lived in both, I prefer living in a house. Less rules, less noise, less violence (I lived in a lot of bad apartments), but you do have to pay for a fuck ton more. So that's a big con.
13. Cabin or cottage: This is a really tough decision, but cottage comes out on top by a small bit. I went to a cabin once in my life and it was when I was super young. It was really beautiful inside but I know a lot of issues come with owning one. Cottages always gave me such mystical, fantasy vibes, so I prefer them a little more.
14. Roller coaster or ferris wheel (or carousel): It gave a third option so definetely carousels. I always loved the way they look and the music they play, I always got on them when I could. Roller coasters scare me.
15. Brand new or older and used items: I'm a huge collector of old and vintage items so definetely the latter.
16. Constant travel or constantly staying home: This is a tough one because I can't stand too much of either. I can't travel for too long or I get tired and overwhelmed and I can't stay home too long because I get bored. If I had to choose though, then travel because at least I wouldn't be stuck at home.
17. Arts or sciences: Art, of course. I'm an artist, its my life.
18. Acres of livestock and animals or acres of crops and gardens: Both are great, but definetely animals. I won't skip any opportunity to be with animals.
19. Sun or moon: Moon. All my time spent being a night owl has my connection with Luna very deep.
20. Stars or planets: Planets, I feel there's a lot more interesting to them.
21. Green or purple: Green, its one of my top 5 favorite colors. Its the color of nature.
22. Experience art or create art: I cannot give up creating art, and if I had to sacrifice viewing others art then so be it.
23. Physical media or digital media: Tough one. Though, I have to pick physical since I prefer more from it. I love owning physical books, VHSes, DVDs, etc. Not a huge fan of those things digitally. Digital has its perk with video games though.
24. Mom or dad: Neither. I don't have good experiences with either. I'll choose dad though, since I view a lot of fictional characters as father figures.
25. Typing or handwriting: Typing, only if its applied to myself. I don't like writing since my handwriting isn't the best and I can type extremely fast.
26. Summer or winter: Summer, not a huge fan of the heat but I love all the nature in bloom.
27. Fall or spring: Spring, I think this might be my favorite season actually. It's not too hot or cold and all the plants and trees are blooming again. The animals are coming out of hibernation and the birds are migrating back, its wonderful.
28. Taking care of yourself or letting someone take care of you: Taking care of myself I guess. Only I know my best needs and it feels really nice and rewarding to take care of myself.
29. Bought cards/gifts or homemade cards/gifts: Latter, homemade just feels more personal, more meaningful. You put your skills into something, that really touches my heart.
30. Do you prefer to unwind with or without technology: Without. Sometimes I unwind with technology like if I'm listening to music or watching something but probably without. I'd prefer to just sit outside with nature and cleanse my mind.
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖2/9/2025
I think I'll start writing about my experiences with potentially being a system here rather than my Alterhumanity page. I'm unsure when or if I'll touch that page again. I thought I was an alterhuman, since it was the closest thing I could find to explain what I've been experiencing almost all my life. But it could never fully explain everything, like the voices in my head and the dissociation, among other things.
When I started researching into systems, it gave me answers to the stranger parts of my alterhumanity. My experiences align closely with that of OSDD-1B, I think. A lot of this has left me feeling lost and uncertain of a lot of things. I chalked up a lot of the weird experiences of my life to just things everyone else experienced or to my mental problems/alterhumanity. And now I'm learning, hey other people don't experience these things.
I would ask around about why my kintypes spoke to me, why whenever I kinshifted they felt as if they were "taking over" and that I was "taking a back seat". Why I couldn't control my kintypes and what they'd do sometimes; why could I feel them physically touch me? And everytime I'd get the answer: "You're plural. You're experiencing plurality.".
The thought of that greatly scared me and I refused to ever acknowledge the idea in the past. It really wasn't until last year that I finally began to open up to the idea. It feels like I've found an ancient key to a lost temple, and inside a labyrinth awaits me. I know not what lies at the end, nor the direction to go, but the more I traverse the more clues I find.
I won't lie, I'm still terrified in a way. I've felt this sense of relief though when I finally began to acknowledge the Others in my head as their own people. They're delighted that I am listening and talking back to them. Especially Bruno, who I believe would be categorized as a form of protector or prosecutor. Maybe more the latter. I've always known he was here, I always felt him the strongest.
A lot of my life has been him fronting, he's just been trying to protect me. But in the process he's hurt me, himself, and others greatly. I once viewed him as a monster, now I just view him as someone worth loving and healing. I've been spending a great deal everyday talking to him, and making sure he's doing alright. He isn't much of a talker, really only speaks in small sentences unless he's freaking out and spiralling. Goodness, THEN he'll talk up a storm.
He is a black wolf to me, that is how he always presents himself. He also really loves music, I've come to find out, he's always playing it inside of my head. His name came about as a nickname me and my boyfriend gave to the "Thing" that would come out whenever I was experiencing negative emotions or thoughts. Back before either of us knew I was a system or that he was actually an alter. Bruno's been talking to me though about wanting to change it since it holds bad memories for him. He's trying out the name "Nezzera" since its one of his favorite songs from the Roblox OST.
There's more of us in here, some I can identify and some I still can't. I can't always tell whose fronting and who is speaking in my mind. But, I know that takes time to figure out. It's a slow, confusing, and sometimes scary journey. But, I'm willing to go on it, if it'll help me understand things better. Whether or not I come out of this finding out if I'm a system or not, I know there's Others in my head. And I can't keep ignoring them. Because if I do, I'll be lost forever.
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖2/7/2025
I want to be more open about the fact that I am a proshipper. It's a very controversial thing but, it makes me really happy. Back when I was an anti, I got fed a lot of misinformation about proshippers. Turns out, all proshippers are are people who are against censorship, harassment, and are for letting people do what they want. It's not even about just shipping, it encompasses everything. That's literally it. And I agree with that a lot.
I've become very passionate about the topic of censorship recently. It used to interest me a lot too back in school whenever we learned about banned books and how many were burned in the past. All because people didn't like them, and wanted to ban them based off their own morals and opinions. They made such things everyone else's problem. That's another thing too I've become passionate about. Morality, and how it changes with each person and over time.
One of my favorite books ever, "The August Few: Amygdala", covers this topic very well. The character, Methusa, wanted to overrun the government of Locket because she ran her city with logic, not morals. Methusa was all about morality, and morally she saw Locket as wrong and evil. Locket did not follow the concept of morals, because nobody could agree on them since they're opinions. Methusa saw Locket and her followers as evil and that they should all be killed because they didn't go with her ideas.
Whether you view Methusa or Locket right is completely up to the viewer, the book never pushes you in either direction. And I found Methusa as a character so fascinating. She may be an alien, but she reflects how human nature is. It reminded me a lot too on how people are with censorship, and by extension, proshipping.
It's taken me a long while to come to terms with being proship, especially with how much antis drilled it into my head that proshipping = the worst sin ever. Its brought me a lot of comfort and its helped me learn to accept and love myself more. And its why I want to talk about it and anti-censorship more openly, because at the end of the day they're one in the same. They're such important topics to me.
I think its important that we have the freedom to explore darker topics in media. And I don't think the creation or consumption of such things makes you a monster. That argument feels on par with the whole "violent video games make violent people" sentiment. And the fact its becoming mainstream to want to make everything sanitized and "safe" concerns me greatly.
As Cesar A. Cruz once said, "Art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable". I don't think art should conform to people's discomforts and opinions. The world is a frightening place, and as such it reflects into our art. We see monsters, and so we paint them. What is the safest way to explore and understand a monster than through a painting? Humans have been fascinated by tales of dragons and vampires and werewolves for years, yet we wouldn't want a real one at our door. But just the thought of them brings a maddening curiousity. Why are we too monsters for simply exploring the idea of them?
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖
Don't have much to write today other than I got a new tattoo! Been wanting one of the Nobody symbol for so long and it came out super nice! The place I went to was super cool looking inside and the dude who did my tat was cool. Other than that, I've just mostly been spending the day relaxing and focusing on self care. Sleep has been coming pretty difficult to me recently but I think that's because of how my mental health has been. Things'll get better though, they always do.
Can't believe January is almost over, it still feels like the start of 2025 was only a few days ago. February is the month I'm really going to aim to get my permit. I'm extremely nervous but I wanna conquer my fears over it, so that I can eventually work towards getting my license and a car.
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖1/27/2025
My birthday is finally here, I'm officially 21. Man the year is already flying by fast, it still feels like the beginning of January. I ended up going out shopping to finally get some new shoes! I've had the same 4 pairs for multiple years now, 3/4 being boots (and I rarely ever wore the 4th normal pair of shoes). Here's the ones I ended up buying:
I've been wanting those high converse shoes for so long and they finally had them at Journey's when I went! The dude who worked there was so cool and chatted a lot while he helped me with picking out and trying on shoes. My sister might end up giving me her all black Vans she doesn't want anymore either since they also fit me. So that makes a total of (possibly) 4 new pairs of shoes :D I also went into Hot Topic and this one was selling clip on animal tails! They definetely know their crowd (furries and therians), so of course I had to buy one of the red fox ones they had.
Despite turning 21, I don't really feel any older. Then again I never did any other previous birthdays. I do feel more mature though, as I don't get that same bouncing-off-the-walls excitement as I did when I was a little kid. I just feel very happy in a more calm way. I know now I can legally do all the adult stuff like smoking or drinking but I have no interest in such things. I'll be drinking one thing, and that's a Dr. Pepper Cream Soda. I normally have to avoid soda nowadays since it really hurts to drink, but I'm giving myself a cheat day today since its my birthday.
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖1/19/2025
I haven't been working on any major updates to this site since my mental health has taken quite a dip again. I'm waiting till I get to a better state + more motivation. In the meantime, I've just been focusing mostly on myself and engaging with my interests.
As for today's main topic, I wanted to talk about the whole Tiktok ban for a bit. It interests me, especially how people reacted to it. I am someone who has never used Tiktok, I never saw any reason to. I am not a fan of short form content, I tried it with Youtube shorts and, for the short while I was on Instagram, its version of shorts as well. Neither held my attention for longer than a few minutes before I grew bored.
Yet, Tiktok grew to such a large extent that it became apart of daily life for many. I've had countless people say to me in casual conversation, "Have you seen this Tiktok?" and proceed to quote it. Everyone else will get the reference except for me. I didn't mind though. It seemed to shock quite a number of people that someone of my age WASN'T on there. It truly did become apart of (nearly) everyone's lives.
And here, now, it is being stripped from their hands. A thing that became so integrated into your life, now being torn from you. A thing you thought would be around forever. I suppose I understand the feeling a bit, when old MMOs I would play everyday would shut down, it bewildered me as a child. I have some sympathy, especially for those who started buisnesses and careers on Tiktok.
But I can't help but also say "good riddance". Tiktok had many, many issues and I think the larger it grew the worse these problems became came. Of course some of them, such as toxic people, are an issue every social media faces. Its why I have an issue with most social media. But, as the saying goes, you cannot have light without darkness. So, I suppose none would ever be fully free of issue.
I have heard many a tale of those getting addicted to Tiktok, and having their attention span lessened. I hope this ban does these people some good. And I hope it does some good to the people who use this platform to spread their toxicity. I may be young, but the older generation did have a point with how they complained of the "young'uns and their damn Tiktok!". Too much time on any social media isn't good for you, especially with the environments they cultivate. So much misinformation, hatred, bullying, and harassment is spread and encouraged on such places.
And, again, I do have to agree with the older generation on this one, its better to get off your phones and go outside or read a book or something. I never really understood why grown-ups would say that as a kid but I understand now. It used to really annoy me, but I get it now. Especially with the many years I spent on various social medias, only for it to destroy my mind and way of thinking.
There definetely is a lot more to the Tiktok ban, too much to write here. It goes more into politics, which I have no interest in and my site is also not the place for that. But it fascinates me how people have reacted to this. How some are even devastated. In my opinion, I think some have even overreacted to this event. Apparently many are moving to the next closest thing, an app known as Rednote. People just can't live without it, hmm?
Well, anyway, I don't see myself writing of this issue again. It just fascinates me how we're banning an app, I'm not even sure if we've done such a thing before? And if we have, not one of this size. Whatever happens, happens. If its banned forever, then so be it. If people continue to insist on using Tiktok equivalents, so be it. I can have my opinions about such things, but at the end of the day people choose what they feel is best for them. And if that amounts to spending 24/7 watching short form content, then so be it. Because at the end of the day, it has no effect on me at all.
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖1/11/2025
This is the first time it's snowed where I live in over 3 years. It wasn't a lot but from what we got it is very beautiful. Here is some photos I took yesterday. You can see some of the trees back there that were knocked down from Hurricane Helene.
The weatherman said it would be snowing all night and there would be power outages but it seemed neither of those happened. It stopped snowing around midday and its just been like this ever since. Not surprised though, down here everybody panics when there's any mention of snow XD My sister's school and my mom's work shut down for this. The place I work at shut down too.
The birds and squirrels have been having a blast outside. So many of them came out to play and prance around. None of the usual neighborhood cats outside though, I imagine they weren't too pleased with the snow.
I've noticed, the older I get the more sensitive to the cold I become. I think it also might just be an autism thing, cuz I'm very sensitive to temperatures. Anywho, I think this might be all the snow we're getting this winter. With any luck, maybe late January. Who knows when it'll snow next? Maybe another three years, maybe less.
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖1/7/2025
I noticed I tend to enjoy a lot of things others don't. I like to have an open mind and go into things seeing the positives. Whenever I see a lot of people unanimously hating on something I like to instead check it out myself and form my own opinion instead of following the crowd. And I end up, a lot of times, coming to the conclusion that it isn't as bad as everyone says.
Like Palworld for instance, I ended up really loving despite how much backlash this game has gotten. So much so that I ended up making some OCs for it and am writing out a story for them. Same thing with the new Pokemon games, everyone dunks on them and says this and that and then I played them for myself. And I ended up really enjoying them, especially Pokemon Scarlet. Saw this happen recently too with Moana 2, lot of people didn't like it. I watched it? Ended up loving it and I cannot wait for the third movie.
Sometimes I do wonder if when something gets a large amount of backlash is it people having genuine opinions on it, or is it people following the crowd? I know for me, when I was younger, I used to follow the crowd a lot. I would watch or read what other people said about something and just believed them because "well they're popular so they must be smarter". Its also cuz I wanted to fit in, and I thought I'd get made fun of for having an unpopular opinion.
I know, for example, a lot of people hated (and to some extent still do) furries because everyone deemed them as weird without actually looking into the community. It became fashionable to hate them. I've seen this happen with other communities as well. And when I was young I went along with a lot of these things, both for different topics and media. I think everybody has done this at some point.
I do think it is important though to have an open mind. Letting your opinions get swayed by whatever is popular/whatever your favorite creator says isn't a good idea. Challenge your thoughts on everything you hear. Form your own opinion on things. It's helped me a lot in my life, both in finding media I end up enjoying and also realizing a lot of communities/topics aren't as bad as people say.
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖1/5/2025
Despite how more social (in a way) I've become I still prefer to be alone. I thought me learning to open up and communicate with others would change that, but it hasn't. That isn't to say I don't enjoy the company of others, I do. But, I have always been an introvert, and I think I always will be.
I used to force myself to try to make new friends and have a large social group since I felt it was some sort of requirement. That really did destroy my mental health. Even when I had a small-ish Discord group I hung out with for a couple of years, that really did mess with me. I made a lot of great memories but, I don't think its for me personally. I even tried to join a new Discord group recently, one dedicated to Danny Phantom fans on the game PonyTown. I didn't stay long, not because of the people or anything, I am just not into it. Not into groups, not really into socializing with new people consistently like that.
And so I left, and the moment I did I thought, "Ah yes, now I feel more comfortable again.". I felt as if I was forcing myself to socialize again with these people. I find a lot of comfort in just sticking to myself. I have such a hard time keeping in contact with old friends or even new ones. Its hard for me to keep friends this way but, I don't actually mind it that much. It's mostly just been my boyfriend who I've consistently kept in contact with, and I also talk to my coworkers every week consistently. And I'm satisfied with that.
Despite how more social I've gotten, I can't disrespect what my body wants. And that's to be alone mostly. I love it, I need it. If I ever tried to be a social butterfly who had so many friends and was active in multiple Discord groups, I think I'd die. Literally. I can't imagine what that's like, I could never thrive off that. And I don't need to.
୨୧₊⭒⋆‧⁺˖1/3/2025
Bit late writing up this, but here's to a new year! And man, what a year 2024 was. I'd consider 2024 one of the best years of my life. 2024 was the start in a new direction, a better direction. Both in improving myself and my own life.
The biggest highlight last year was definetely getting a job. Something I never thought would be possible, given my mental health issues, disabilities, and me being transgender. But my job welcomed me with open arms, as many of the employees there (even the managers) are also like me. It's been a wonderful experience and I love working there so much.
Another big highlight was learning to embrace and love myself again. Every part of myself, no matter how weird or crazy. The beginning of 2024 was right when all of my old friends and mutuals finally went away. As much as I miss them, they were not a good influence on me or my mental health. I had to hide so much of me and deny so many parts of myself to fit in. And it really destroyed my mind, and made me forget who I was for many years. And so, 2024 has been a year of recovery and rediscovery. A year to learn how to better care and love myself.
2024 also was a big leap in me recovering from my eating problems. I've struggled with eating for so many years now, and from 2020 onward it was a living nightmare. But last year was me really honing in on working to fix it, and to find what has been causing it. Turns out my mental health, as mentioned above, was one really big factor in it becoming so bad. 2024 marked me finally being able to consistently eat well and even start eating out in public and during unplanned times. I've had to watch out with what I eat though, since my stomach has become very sensitive to certain foods.
So, what next? What's next for 2025? Who knows, nobody ever really knows what a new year will bring. And that used to scare me, but with a more clearer mind now I find a lot of excitement and hope. I have a few new year's resolutions in mind.
To continue striving towards happiness, finding peace and love with myself, keeping my mental health good, and breaking bad habits. I also want to conquer more of my fears, such as finally going to the DMV again and passing the test to get my permit. I failed once before many months ago and have been too nervous to go back. But I want to conquer this this year, and also maybe get a cheap car. I've been saving up a lot of money in my savings ever since I got hired, and my family knows some places we can get cheap used cars. Another thing I want to possibly do this year, maybe looking towards later in the year: driving. And getting my license if I can. Cuz once I do that I can work more hours at my job since I won't have to get my mom to drive me.
I also want to continue striving towards fixing my eating issues. And continue working on my website. That's another highlight of 2024, was me picking up my website again. It gives me something to work on creatively, and something I can be happy with. I have many more projects planned this year to do with my website (and 2nd website, which will be coming in 2025). I've also been getting back into gaming more and watching shows/movies, something I was struggling with before. I want to continue doing more of those too.
Speaking of my 2nd website, that also ties into me embracing myself again. I want this new site to be geared towards adults. I have a lot of interests in disturbing/adult topics, I'm also into different media that includes these kinds of topics. I also have a lot of thoughts on these things. I wanna culminate all that into my new site, which will be called "Serpula Lacrymans". My main site here is something I want to keep more PG-13 and light hearted for a variety of reasons, so expect certain things from this site to be transferred over to there. Like I mentioned earlier, for too long I was around people who shunned the idea of ever exploring dark and adult ideas/media. And a lot of the internet is also like this nowadays. So, I want to create a little corner of the web that instead embraces such things.
2025 has started off really great, I got to spend New Year's with my boyfriend and his family. It was a truly wonderful experience. I took him out to go see Moana 2 and we both had a blast with it. Anywho, here's to a new year. I cannot wait to see what happens this year. There will be rainy days, and there will be sunny days, but we'll make it through it. We also have before, and we will again.